Apparently I'm Going To A Sex Dungeon And A Stranger Wants To Buy Me Coffee Afterwards

I don’t know if you guys have heard, but Valentine’s Day is tomorrow.

I think it’s safe to say that most people at Barstool are anti-Valentines, but it’s still pretty festive around HQ.   We literally have flowers everywhere. We’re getting sent cookies. Cake. Wine. Valentine’s Day cards…

YIKES. (Also, F-session!?! No. Just no.)

I know there are going to be people that say I’m blowing up this guys spot who was just trying to pay me a compliment (thank you, btw!), but I work under the assumption that anything that is sent to us at HQ means that people want to be content. I mean why the fuck would you send ANYTHING to us and expect it to be kept off the blog, radio or camera? It comes with the territory. (Plus, I cut his Twitter handle out of the picture because that’s the nice thing to do.)

Back to the issue at hand…

Listen. I’m all about shooting your shot however you think necessary. But this is the weirdest piece of physical mail I have ever received in my entire life (DMs are a different animal). And a 1000% something I didn’t expect written on an $4.99 American Greetings card with a cute puppy on the front “wishing me all the sweet things.”

Honestly, this is where we’re at in 2019. My grandpa is rolling around in his grave seeing how I’m asked out these days. Who needs wine, flowers, dinners, grand gestures, Netflix and chill, candles, etc anymore?! Just offer to get coffee with the person you’re interested in…….after she’s been locked up in another dude’s sex basement for three days without seeing sunlight.

ROMANCE, FOLKS!

After all the talk on CCK and KFC Radio in Atlanta about me being attracted to Jigsaw and thinking Penn Badgley is hot as a stalker/serial killer in “You”, I guess I give off that vibe? Maybe this guy thought it was a good move?

Let me offer up some advice: If you’re going to shoot your shot, ask to be the guy getting to do all the fun things for three days IN the “sex basement oasis.” Not the guy after. I’m not saying that it’ll work, but at least you show that you’re in control of me being the “sex slave” here.

My Valentine’s Day plans aside, I’m not trying to shame this card at all. I like guys that take risks. What am I doing is absolutely shaming the fact that my secret admirer wanted to follow up my epic weekend (that he won’t be a part of) with a tall hot skinny latte from Starbucks.

What a wild move. Aim higher, dude.