The Official Thin Crust Pizza Slice Power Rankings
This is a continuation of the popular "Where Are You Sitting" meme except instead of breaking down a Red Line train car
We're gonna be looking at a traditional Chicago thin crust pie complete with a square cut. We'll stay on the picture submitted with the original tweet in our analysis. But first, a few words on thin crust pizza and Chicago, generally.
- I want you to take a good hard look at this pizza because to literally 99.9% of Chicagoans, this is our everyday pie and there's really no debate. I understand you think we're obsessed with deep dish but we are not. Practically speaking, it's You (the outsider) that identifies with DD because you come to Chicago once every couple years and you've had a few slices at Lou Malnati's or Giordano's with the family after a Cubs day game (they lost). It's a memory worth cherishing - no doubt - but it's not our reality as much as it is a special occasion:
- Now I want you to take a good hard look at that deep dish
You: How did Carl die?
Doctor: acid reflux. thought he would cry.
- If you don't believe me that deep dish isn't our #1 play then just use common sense. Who in their right mind could consistently polish off a deep dish and not immediately get sick of it?
- WRONG MOTHERFUCKERS! WSD is firmly planted on team thin crust because even he knows it's a neanderthal move to give deep dish more playing time. If that's not appropriate context idk what else is.
- Next, the Square Cut. This caused a lot of confusion when Pres was in town for pizza reviews last winter and couldn't wrap his head around a Square Cut at Geo's or Palermo's. I think WSD tried to explain it as some kind of Depression Era thing so people wouldn't starve or something?
- Personally I don't know the exact source of why Chicago cuts into small squares. You could tie it back to the Depression but then why aren't there square cuts everywhere? That makes me feel like the Depression hit Chicago Pizza harder than other Pizza areas of the country and frankly I don't buy it.
- While I'm here - no one gives a rats ass about St. Louis pizza for purposes of this conversation. If that's your jam, climb in the back seat and shut the fuck up.
- Let's take another look at the pie
- Let me clearly state that I don't know why they went 1/4 sausage and 3/4 cheese. Kind of a weird move but I want to give credit to the pizza maker for executing such precision with the sausage distribution. A lot of you would get sloppy with an XL but our guy nails 6/24 on both inside and outside slices with sausage (25%).
- Finally and with respect to rankings, the original question was "which slice do you pick up first" and I don't think you get a better answer than what Eddie said.
#1 will never end up on a plate. It's impossible. Even if you're going for seconds or thirds and you take a remaining corner slice, The Rules say you have to eat it immediately upon picking it up. As soon as you touch a corner it goes to your moth, no hesitation.
TO THE RANKINGS
Power Rankings - Head to Head Matchups
1. Inside Slice #2
2. Long/Narrow Crust #3
3. Corner piece #1
4. Short/Wide Crust #4
Let's start with some simple power rankings. If you had to put these slices side-by-side with no other context and make them fight to the death, you have to go inside slice #2. Without context, that's the MVP of slices. You work your way inside to get that slice. Then your Long/Narrow has some inside slice capabilities - soft and smothered with cheese towards the inside, but firm and crispy towards the edge making for a very dynamic crunch profile. In 3rd is the corner piece just because it's always your first taste of the pie and everyone loves a first taste. And then dead last is Short/Wide because there's a lot of crunch but not a lot of sex. It can often be a disappointing bite, especially when you're on a 3rd serving and it's been sitting on the counter for 45 minutes.
Power Rankings - You Can Only Eat One Slice
1. Long/Narrow Crust #3
2. Inside Slice #2
3. Short/Wide Crust #4
4. Corner #1
If we change the question to only getting one slice, then I'm flip flopping Long/Narrow with Inside because I want the best of both worlds in my one slice. Besides, rushing into the middle piece as your first bite would be overwhelming. I honestly don't know too many guys who can handle that move. Then naturally if you're only getting one slice, you want bang for your buck. Naturally Short/Wide is 3 with Corner checking in last. Sorry Corner.
Power Rankings - Best Slice For Toppings
1. Long/Narrow Crust #3
2. Short/Wide Crust #4
3. Inside Slice #2
4. Corner #1
I don't want to get beat up by the Inside Slice crowd but I think it's important you leverage the crust to get a good handle on your toppings. If you go sausage, onion, pepper, mush then you better believe the inside slice is gonna take a beating over time. That's why it's important to work your way in and effectively. But time is ticking, and while it goes, the crust pieces are slowly becoming stronger options to support your toppings, especially when you go heavy through the garden with vegetables. And then finally the Corner checks in dead last for no other reason than it is impossible to get toppings to the corners. You just don't see it.
Power Rankings - Best Sequence If You're Eating All 4 Slices
1. Corner #1
2. Long/Narrow Crust #3
3. Short/Wide Crust #4
4. Inside Slice #2
If you're still with me, I think this is the most important rankings of them all because when you go thin crust square cut, you're gonna touch all the different categories. You're definitely gonna snag a corner. Definitely mixing in a long/narrow crust and when you pull it, you let the cheese dictate how many slices are coming with. Sometimes you get a clean pull and sometimes the cheese is bound to the first inside slice. When that's the case, take both slices, but don't count it as a true Inside pull especially if it's a Large or XL pie to start (12-16 inside pieces). That's very important because your next move is to demonstrate that you're thinking about other people. So you grab a Short/Wide crust to appease your peers before going back to the path you opened up with your 2nd slice. The one that accidentally pulled the other middle. Remember that one? Go back and get yourself another middle. If you've played your cards appropriately up to this point, you definitely deserve it.