I'm Thinking About Buying This $45,000,000 Mansion

Chicago – After listing for a record-shattering $50 million back in 2016, the ultra-opulent Lincoln Park mansion of insurance magnate Richard Parrillo returned Wednesday with a new asking price of $45 million.

Spanning more than 8 standard city lots, the 6-bedroom, 11-bathroom estate features a private walled garden, a driveway of imported French gravel, and a custom interior with ornate stone, wood, and plaster details throughout.

Even after the $5 million price chop, the Lincoln Park mansion is still seeking more than twice as much money as the city’s next priciest home. The Parrillos claim to have put $65 million into acquiring the land and constructing the palatial residence over the past ten years. Will the new price tag see the couple recoup $45 million of that investment, or is this latest figure another case of wishful thinking?

Let’s fucking go. 45 million is RIGHT in my wheelhouse. Nevermind the $280k in annual property taxes or remarkably daunting mortgage payment.

I’ve been stockpiling mansion reviews since January 1 hoping for a chance to break into the Rick & Fancy crowd without any luck. You can find earlier installments here, here and here. Point is sooner or later one of you Rich & Fancy stoolies will want to get a piece of this action (aka pay for the whole thing). And when that happens, you’ll know where to find me: carl@barstoolsports.com. Until then, my goal is to persuade you into a sizeable down payment towards long-term financial security. Let’s get started.

Realtor.com – Unprecedented urban estate. 25,000 square foot masterpiece on Lincoln Park’s finest street. Sited on an enormous 177’x149′ parcel totaling more than eight city lots, every step has been taken to provide complete privacy and tranquility. Manicured grounds with multiple fountains, reflecting pool, and hand forged antique garden pavilion transport you to another world. Absolutely no expense was spared inside or out throughout this sun-filled mansion. Grand in every way, but not overwhelming, the design is perfect for large scale entertaining as well as intimate everyday living. This home is nothing short of magnificent at every turn–truly a once in a lifetime opportunity that could never be replicated.

“Grand in every way, but not overwhelming…” Remember someone actually said that about this fuckin place:

First glance this house really does take up 8 city lots. Just a quick refresher here’s a neighboring mansion on ONE lot:

And for $3.1M you can live in an average poor people mansion.

That’s what I thought. Let’s wander back to the Adult Table.

Before we go inside I want to talk curb appeal. If you watch HGTV you might associate curb appeal with being charming and inviting. I’m here to tell you that you are wrong. Real curb appeal is when visitors don’t know if it’s your home or the Vatican City Embassy in DC

You’re looking for WOW Factor when you spend $45 million and this is what I’m talking about. Put the fear of god in your guests that they don’t belong before they even step inside. That’s exactly what Jay Gatsby did and legend goes that guy threw some rager parties.

Once inside you realize that this floor is going to be extremely slippery when wet. I called my State Farm™ agent and he said he’d get a new quote on the insurance in case anyone takes a header in the main entrance. It’s supposed to be a real wet march. Watch your step as we head towards the grand staircase.

Mmmm. Magnificent. I have no idea why any of this is so special but sometimes you just have to trust your gut instinct. This is one of those times. Even tho there is literally nothing in this room but an extremely gaudy staircase, I know deep down it’s worth about 5 years of my existing salary. Again please be careful as we head upstairs.

One flight up and I can’t get over this staircase. Mayor Richard J Daley made a big thing in the 50’s and 60’s about how Chicago homes had to use wrought iron gates and fencing to maintain consistency across the city’s residences. Also because there was a union that did all of the wrought iron installation work. But mostly to look good.

It’s important to recognize that RJD didn’t legislate wrought iron into the actual home. Just on the perimeter for fences and gates. So with that in mind I’m struggling to get a grasp on why the fuck someone would want House Gryffindor plastered all over the interior of their 25,000 square foot home. Remember this level of detail when we go to the negotiating table. I’m not overpaying for excessive opulence. This staircase sucks.

I take it back. This staircase is fancy as fuck from this vantage point. Added bonus is all the shit you can throw off the top floor. Let’s go to the kitchen and see if they have any watermelon in the fridge.

Whoops turns out the kitchen kind of sucks. Or maybe it doesn’t. Idk the listing agent won’t let us walk around because it’s too nice so we’re left in the hallway to judge for ourselves. Personally I don’t like this move but at the same time I’m eyeing a fruit tray back right and probably best we keep this area off limits. The second I get my hands on some cantaloupe it’s going off the 3rd floor balcony. Best we get moving.

From there we move over to the bar. First glance it looks like a decent spot for next year’s fantasy football draft but that’s assuming you don’t mind the fact that the bar itself was repurposed from these early 1990’s kitchen cabinets.

Good things happen when you mix luxury and nostalgia. Better things happen when you go heavy on the wood paneling.

Sincerely I have no idea what purpose this room serves. That said if you don’t put a Murphy Bed up against that back wall you are an idiot.

Comfort and convenience never worked so well together. Let’s make our way downstairs to the bunker-level wine cellar.

Ah yes. 18 foot arched ceilings underground. That’s sensible, not overwhelming. Also more room for slap the bag which is a slightly better setting than your Uncle’s pontoon boat. Watch your head on the way back upstairs as we head out to the backyard.

Before we get outside though I want to briefly appreciate some of the painstaking craftsmanship that made its way onto the walls and ceilings. To spend $45 Million you have to hit on every detail and this authentic greco-roman molding does exactly that. My best advice is to pretend that you don’t care so we don’t screw ourselves at the negotiating table. In other words try not to appreciate this stuff too hard. In the meantime I’ll be outside on the veranda style patio smoking a Parliament.

I was nervous there wouldn’t be enough space to host the Ohio State marching band for a cookout but boy was I wrong. This would be the perfect place to sun bathe or host a cartel meeting about new distribution routes. Added bonus is the sprawling view over the remaining 13,000 square feet of had forged antique gardens and reflections pools.

If we’re being dead serious the richest thing you can do is waste a bunch of quality outdoor space. Fortunately this estate spares no effort in that move. Let’s jump 3 stories down onto the lush grass, likely imported from a country you and I can’t find on a map.

I sprained my ankle jumping but don’t have time to R.I.C.E. it so let’s keep moving. The reflection pool sounds a lot cooler than it is in practice and that’s okay. Goal here is to remind people you have things they can’t afford. There’s your reflection. When you’re done fishing out quarters from the pool come join me in the garden pavilion. It’s the metal structure in the middle of the yard.

You can’t miss it.

Not mentioned in the listing is that you can grow up to 6 marijuana plants behind the wrought iron pavilion. No peer pressure or anything. Just thought could help with the anxiety that comes with 25,000 square feet of being a complete dickhead in this place.

Seriously.

This isn’t a home as much as it is a mid life crisis manifesting itself in the form of residential real estate development. The current owners are looking at a $20M bath on their investment and that’s assuming they don’t have to bargain with me. $20million final offer.