If You Buy A $30 Bottle Of Wine From Jimmy Johns You're An Asshole And I Hate Your Guts
Crains – Jimmy John’s is making available a limited-release wine online to celebrate its newest sandwich.
The pinot noir, called “Vin de Sandwich,” was designed to pair with the Frenchie sandwich, featuring salami, capicola and provolone.
The wine has “notes of dark raspberry and ripe cherry, and hints of cedar and spice,” Jimmy John’s says in a statement. It’s produced and bottled by The Folk Machine winery in Santa Rosa, Calif., and made with grapes sourced from the Chalone appellation. About 600 bottles were made and they’re available only online for $29.99.
The delivery epidemic is reaching an all time high. Every time I log on twitter my colleagues are bragging about how much delivery they ordered. $16 smoothies here. $50 raviolis there. Makes me wonder what happened to the grind of being a poor internet blogger with enough self respect to cross a street but I digress. Everyone download Postmates and use the promo code RedLine for something off your first order.
Anyways.
Big step in the delivery epidemic is Jimmy Johns getting cocky enough to offer me a 30 dollar bottle of pino noir named after a fucking sandwich. I don’t have the patience to figure out if they’re trolling me or not so let’s assume this is serious and then further agree if you play ball on this, you’re a flaming asshole.
That said, a sandwich with salami, capicola and provolone is comfortably in my starting 5 and averaging 28 minutes a game. That’s a sandwich for every occasion on every day of the week.
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Paired with a wine though?
Don’t compromise my identity or integrity Jimmy. If I’m pulling the trigger on your food, and I’m not buying a party platter for a couple conference rooms, it’s because I’m coming off a vyvanze or an adderall and it’s just dawned on me I haven’t eaten. Like in 16 hours. Goddamn am I hungry and holy shit is it late. I need someone here quick. Possibly even Freaky Fast and definitely loaded with mayo and salted meats.
I should call Jimmy Johns.
Tell me where in that time continuum am I factoring in a pinot noir with notes of raspberry (fucked up word) and cedar. Tell me. You can’t because it doesn’t exist.Fuck outta here Jimmy.