2019 Wrigleyville Scouting Report: Old Crow

Carl1/24/2019 8:45 PM

It’s time for the 3rd installment of the 2019 Wrigleyville Scouting Report series. In our prior reports we took a look at Sluggers and Houndstooth with a robust emphasis on atmosphere and excitement as they’re two unique bars you will never find anywhere other than Wrigleyville.

This week will focus on Old Crow Smokehouse at 3506 N Clark across from Deuces and next to the most frequently trafficked Chase ATM in Chicago possibly the country.

Before we get into this week’s report though, I need a quick word on the grading methodology we’ll be using. It’s based on MLB scout’s 20-80 scale with 80 being the best and 20 being the worst, obviously. Here’s a great chart from Fangraphs:

You’re rating ball players on 5 different tools: hitting, power, speed, defense and arm strength and you use 20-80 in increments of 5. Idk why and I’m not doing the research for a witty paragraph just know this is how it gets done. Scouts then use the 5 grades to give you an overall player grade. It’s generally very harsh. Like if you think you’re a 65 in something you’re actually just a 45. However good you are, you suck. Never forget it.

Just confirming you suck.

Anyways, it’s in this spirit that we’re going to recap yet another bar in Wrigleyville, Old Crow. It’s my sincere and dedicated mission to capture every single watering hole in and around Wrigley.

Let’s get to Old Crow

Overview: Old Crow is fucking HUGE. We’re talking thousands upon thousands of square feet. The plus is you can almost always get a table, the downside is it’s rarely crowded enough to feel like an awesome time. I’m not begging for elbows and assholes I’m just saying it’s nice when you’ve got a lively mix of people trying to have a good time.

Just look at this floor plan

Two bars side by side with max capacity closing in on 900 people. That’s big time volume for any bar much less one that’s down the street from Wrigley Field. And they use it appropriately – there’s a huge stage in the south bar that apparently draws country music bands people enjoy. I wouldn’t know because I’m not in the country music scene. But using common sense coupled with personal experience, I can accurately say people value Old Crow’s commitment to country music.

Outside of that you’re going to find a bar that lacks character relative to it’s neighborhood competitors. Fun place to get together with huge groups of people but lots to be desired if you’re looking for a traditional Wrigleyville experience. Again that comes with both good and bad characteristics that we’ve seen since Old Crow debuted in 2013.

On to the grades:

Bathrooms = 55. You’ll note that previously Sluggers and Houndstooth checked in at 30 and 40 respectively. Those are below average grades where this is slightly above average. And honestly 55 is going to be hard to beat in Wrigley.

You got urinals on 3 different walls, two sizeable shit cans, multiple sinks and almost never a bathroom attendant. They could use more dumping locations but as I’ve said before why are you dumping in Wrigley? Another added bonus is that because Old Crow is owned by rich real estate guys, the bathrooms are always clean. I swear there are like 4 dudes on staff who are only responsible for cleaning the men’s room. Another added bonus is they have one of those beer shelves that runs around the urinals so you have a place to put your Miller Lite.

Patio = 50. It’s actually a rooftop and it’s amazing until you realize there’s no place to watch a game. There’s a handful of TV’s behind the bar, no sound and it’s obviously very sunny because you’re on the roof. No shit. Either way that makes for a bad viewing experience. I guess it’s cool for pregame and postgame? But then it just feels out of place. I want grimey and local. This rooftop belongs in Wicker Park.

It does get bonus points because it’s easy to navigate unlike Casey Moran’s, which is like 5 different uneven rooftops haphazardly strung together in the 80’s. But there’s just something missing where you don’t feel that connected to being in Wrigley.

Atmosphere = 45. This is a borderline platoon level, utility kind of grade. You’re going to have Old Crow’s atmosphere in the lineup every now and then but definitely not consistently. More of a matchup style atmosphere – depends on how your crew, day, budget, age, etc. all matches up with the factors. If your buddy has a group of Miami-OHIO girls coming to meet up then take them to Old Crow because 15 are about to show up and you’ll need space.

If you’re with the boys and looking to gamble all day and be negligent, this is definitely not your spot. Although bonus points for unlimited supply of peanuts and the willingness to you throw the shells everywhere. That’s a nice touch.

On the other end, Old Crow also loses points because there just aren’t that many diehard Cubs fans in here. The bar will be slammed with guys who are in relationships with girls that make all the decisions. You’ll also get a lot of the opposing team’s fans here because the bar looks sweet.

Not Pictured: several fat middle aged men in tight Albert Pujols jerseys.

Atmosphere to me is about being at a bar you can yell and high five strangers and get in on group shots with people you don’t know. It’s about being weird on common ground. Old Crow just doesn’t do that naturally.

Drink Replenishment = 45. Another platoon level grade. The average wait time for your first drink is about as high as you can get in Wrigley mostly because the bars are 40 fucking yards long. On several occasions you’ll order something and the bartender will walk all the way down to the other end to make it like you just made him run a windsprint or some shit.

Down, Back, Down, Back under 30 seconds GO

The other thing is these bartenders aren’t the local loveable type like you get at Dark Horse and Houndstooth. These are mercenaries usually in their late 20’s/early 30’s and they’re not here for small talk. They have ground to cover and drinks to make. So you won’t find yourself getting the friendly banter and automatic refill without really asserting yourself.

Ultimately, you won’t leave and never come back over OC’s drink replenishment but let’s be very clear – this is a glaring blindspot.

Intangibles = 65. If you’re going to run into a random group of hot girls from out of town in Wrigley who don’t know their heads from their asses, it’s going to be at Old Crow guaranteed. It can be a revolving door of bachelorette parties who want a piece of Nashville in Wrigley. I know a lot of you guys like that so I’m including it. Personally I could do 10,000 words on why bachelorette parties are land mines but that’s not the point here. Point is that’s unique so they’re gettin a beef.

Next up is the fact you can ALWAYS get in here with a large group without waiting. It is literally impossible to not be able to walk right in with your friends. I know we don’t love that naturally but a lot of your Wrigleyville experiences include more than 4 or 5 people and that’s an important consideration when your 12 beers deep trying to find a spot to post up.

Lastly, the food This is what makes Old Crow extremely tolerable to me. The food is fucking AWESOME. This place is like a real smokehouse with a real menu and all that stuff. Last week Houndstooths was good because they nailed the southern comfort style food. In this case, Old Crow hits the mark on BBQ especially for its location. We’re not talking about some boutique smokehouse in Logan Square. This is a country music booze factory on Clark Street. The food doesn’t need to be this good.

Overall = 50. All in it’s an average experience for Wrigleyville. I completely understand why you go there. I also understand why you prefer other spots. The reality is it serve’s its purpose on clark street. If this were a lineup Old Crow would hit 8th and play a decent 2nd base. You’re on the field helping us win but no one is writing a book about you at retirement.