One Lucky Bills Mafia Couple Will Get Married at Halftime of the Patriots Game

Source – The Bills are seeking a couple to get married at New Era Field at halftime of the Sept. 29 game against the New England Patriots.

The Bills are calling this the “Halftime Wedding Experience of a Lifetime.”

The winning couple will exchange vows on the field with 20 invited guests and the 70,000 fans in the stands with a reception to follow. The couple will get custom Bills jerseys.

The team has posted a questionnaire asking, among other info, what is your favorite Bills memory, how long have you been a Bills fan, have you attended Bills games, and of course, why should you be the lucky couple?

First, at the risk of me sounding like I’m trying to signal my own virtue, I’ve long been a proponent of Bills Mafia Marriage. Even when that was an unpopular position. When venues were refusing to host their ceremonies and bakeries were going to court to argue their religion refuses to allow them to make Bills-themed wedding cakes, I was out there, loud and proud and demanding they get treated the same as regular people.

First of all because they have their rights. But also because I love the idea of them mating among themselves and keep making Bills Mafia babies who’ll keep their traditions and culture alive for generations to come.

America needs these national treasures. For ourselves and our posterity.

That said, Geez Louise, Bills. Could you have handled this promotion any worse? The Patriots game? Really? I get that weather is an issue so you want to do this early in the year. But in the first half of the season you’ve got five home games, all with 1PM kickoffs. And you choose the one team you cannot beat? Why would you do this?

You’ve invited a couple to make a lifetime commitment to each other in front of 70,000 people. And basically assured they’re doomed to start their new life together in failure. Since 2001, the Pats are 32-4 against the Bills. And the most recent of those losses came when Jacoby Brissett started, playing with an injured throwing hand that needed emergency after the game. Hell, the year Tom Brady was hurt, Matt Cassel went 2-0 against them. That makes Brady 30-3 with 69 TDs and a passer rating of 99.3. And that’s the opponent you’ve chosen to curse these poor hapless newlyweds with. Not the Bengals, the Dolphins or Redskins. The bane of your existence. Why not just have OJ perform the ceremony?

And what gives with that questionnaire? “What’s your favorite Bills memory?” If you have one other than “That time they made the playoffs” or “When Rex Ryan got fired,” that means you’re too old to be getting married.

Here’s hoping at least that you strike the right notes with the service and the reception. Booze flowing like crazy through funnels and butt crack luges. Groomsmen and bridesmaids crashing through flaming tables all over the place. The sounds of shattering poly-vinyl filling the air. The bride throwing a Billdo over her shoulder:

… as all the single ladies try to catch it. People humping between cars in the parking lot. Fingerblasts during the reception:

You might not have picked the right game, but there’s absolutely no reason you can’t make this be the most Bills Mafia wedding of all time. Cheers to the happy couple.