I Am At Odds With The Barstool Softball Team And Have Hired An MLBPA Certified Baseball Agent To Negotiate With Smitty Until The Situation Has Been Rectified

Listen, if you know me, then you know that I love the game of baseball more than anything. I played my whole life — tee-ball, Little League, Jimmy Fund League, AAU, American Legion, Extra Innings fall ball, Strike One winter league, Babe Ruth, high school, New England Baseball League, you name it. I couldn’t get enough of it.

But once you stop playing organized baseball, then the only thing that comes remotely close to filling that void in your life is beer league softball. When I uprooted my life last summer to come to New York City for Barstool Sports, I was asked to join the Barstool softball team. I was ecstatic. The chance to bond with my new friends and hit some bombs in the process. My first game, I hit a ball on a line that damn near knocked the left field fence over.

Fast forward six months later, and this is the thanks that I get. Eighth. I’m batting eighth in 2018. Well, at least, that’s what Smitty thinks. No, no, no. Not happening. And I actually saw some people saying that playing right field is even more disrespectful, but they only stash the shitty players in right field in Little League. Once you get to the big diamond, you need to have a rocket arm to play right field. Put some respeck on Vladimir Guerrero’s name. That’s where they put the mashers, too. Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton say hello.

Quite understandably, I was not pleased with being named the No. 8 hitter on the team, so I first reacted irrationally and then released a composed statement.

I just want what’s fair. I followed my statement up with a phone call to the general manager to inform him on my stance on the matter.

In the meantime, I used my social media platform to showcase my abilities for other interested organizations, perhaps to garner interest outside of the Barstool softball team. Leverage certainly can’t hurt in this situation.

Yeah, I know my balance sucks in the Fenway video. The fucking pitching machine was so goddamn slow for all the non-athletic people that I was way out in front on every pitch, which should actually make this even more impressive that I’m putting balls in the seats using my arm strength only and taking my legs completely out of the equation. I was eager. Just like I’m eager to get back on the softball field this summer with “Barstool Sports” proudly displayed across my chest.

Then Smitty kicked me off the team.

Am I a team player? I had to think about it for a second, but yeah. I think so. I want what’s best for the team, but I also want what’s best for me, and what’s best for me is also what’s best for the team. Translation — I’m not batting eighth. That can’t be a thing that happens. That doesn’t help the team. Seems like Smitty took one too many right hooks to the brain from $20 Chef to come to this nonsensical decision.

So, because I’m such a team player and I don’t want to negotiate with Smitty directly and risk any further damage in my relationship with someone who, if everything works out, will be my teammate and captain…I hired an agent. A certified MLBPA baseball agent. Michael Brantley’s agent. Perhaps you’ve heard of him. Led Major League Baseball in doubles in 2015. Pretty notable league.

He even has an AOL email address, so you know that this is serious. And honestly, I didn’t want it to have to come to this. It’s gotten ugly, and I regret that. But I think getting an MLBPA certified baseball agent involved on my behalf was the right move. All I can do now is focus on me, continue my workouts, prepare my body for softball season, and stop worrying about what team I’m going to be playing for. Even after all of this, I still hope that it’s the Barstool softball team.

That’s where my heart is, that’s where I got my start, that’s where I cut my teeth, and that’s where I want to retire. It’s the only organization that I’ve ever known, and picturing myself in another uniform is a scary thought. But this is a business. I get that. It’s just unfortunate when the business side of this game gets in the way of what the fans want, and that’s me hitting somewhere in the top part of the lineup for the Barstool softball team.

That, and winning a championship, but we certainly can’t do that if I’m hitting eighth. At the end of the day, winning championships is what it’s all about. And hitting bombs. But mostly championships. And not shitty-constructed lineups. It’s about all that stuff.

And if it doesn’t work out, then I’ve always got this in my back pocket: