Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Hello and good afternoon to all the wonderfull people of Tampa Florida home to Jon Gruden, everyones grandmother, and bath salts, its 1 PM so I hope I didnt wake you from your after dinner nap. Before I get started with roasting your fine city, I just want to say I hope this dosen’t rile you up like it did local Pittsburgh sports talk show listeners but I think Im in the clear since you guys only get satellite radio in your privately operated prisons.
I’ll say this about your town. Tampa truly seems like a wonderfull town to accidentaly die in. I looked up the most common causes of death there and they include using steroids for 40 years and having a public feud with Vince McMahon, doing something to prove to your friends your not a pussy, and getting into a dipsute with this guy:
My prayer: Lord please make me less petty.
— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) May 14, 2018
Its a town of bridges where people have trouble getting from one side to the other and you know who else hard a difficult time making it to St. Petersburg? Thats right, Hitler.
Actualy as I was writing this roast I came across this tweet, and folks its truly meaner and funnier then anything I could ever come up with on my own:
So tell you what I’m going to call this one off, and instead Im going to help you out Tampa. Im going to roast a real sports town- Washington DC just to be a good sport about it and hopefuly help you out a little bit since the only material you have to work with in Florida is butthole lint and the sleeves you cut of one of those t-shirts that looks like the outline of a cartoon bikini babes body for when you had family court.
Little history lesson for you: Washington is a town of comprimise, founded when Marlyland and Virginia both agreed to give up equaly awful parts of there swampland to create a district of Columbia- named after the part of the world where there mayors would go on to import their drugs from. Its founded and designed by Masons and the citys long tradition of brick-laying continues to this day with the Washington Wizards.
Some of Washingotnts sports legends include: the guys who dress up like there married to former offensive linemen for some reason, Freddy Adu, and Michael Jordans corpse. The biggest figure in DC sports history is Joe Gibbs a guy who leaves bible booklet’s instead of tips at restraunts, or to put it in words you can understand- hes like a version of Tony Dungy that Hulk Hogan woud permit to date his daughter.
The city is filled with a bunch of old people who hate each other and their young ambitous junior staffers who spend there entire lives trying to not let there bosses find out they’re having sex. The only thing that shuts down more frequently then the goverment is the metro system, and the city hasnt had a meaningfull postseason victory since the battle of New Orleans. Its a city so obsessed with spending money they had to trick people to going to their only park by naming it the mall.
The citys best athlete is best friends with Putin, and so is Ovechkin. There best pitcher was conceved when his dad prematureley ejaculated to “dont it make my brown eyes blue.” The coolest thing there basketball team has ever done is try to kill each other in a lockeroom dispute over who was the better shooting guard, and in a city thats been repsonsible for a doctrine of regime change where they oust overbearing megalomaniac dictators all around the world they somehow allow Dan Snyder to roam free.
The biggest communty event’s are all based around new supermarkets opening, and the whole area is head over heels for Wegmans which is a supermarket equivlant to Publix, if they started putting walnuts in everything for no reason and actualy enforced the understood “no-pants” loophole in “no shirt no shoes no service.”
Two of the nations top 10 most weathy counties border Washington which creates a moat of goverment contractors around the city just in case it ever gets invaded by isolationists. People who are employed by these companys are like the Indian children who memorize PI to 10,000 places except they just have to remember all the letter abbrevations for weird certfications they are required by law to get so they can ethicaly manage projects designing guidence systems for bombing Jordanian weddings.
The citys aesthetic claim to fame is cherry blossoms planted all around town. The Japanese apologied for a war by installing millions of allergy-inducing trees directly in our nations capital in the most obvous trojan-horsing of a country in world history, causing DC hockey teams to suffer from choking and a lack of cardiovascular enurance every time they bloom in April.
Oh by the way the Supreme Court just ruled to allow resdents of DC to lose vast sums of money betting on there sports teams in addition to there traditional ways of losing it in tuitioin to George Washington and American Universites.
The humidity in the summertime is overwhelming, contantly clocking in somewhere between infinity percent and the inside of a womans vagina while Im talking to her about my fantasy team. If you live there your either rich, poor, or a rich person who jokes about being poor while your eating brunch in a building where poor people used to live before your rich ass moved in upstairs.
The most impressve landmark looks like a giant pencil which is ironc since we allready beat the pens and now have a number 2 lead on you jabronis. So thats just a start Tampa, hopefully this can cheer you up a little bit and I hate to say this about youre hockey team but when it comes to a bunch of toothless people running Tampa around on ice, you guy’s should stick to meth.
10 Fast Things I Know I Know About Legalized Sports Gambling
1. Folks I’m concerned that now that gamblings legal people are going to start betting on NFL games.
2. Trust me your going to miss the close personal touch of having a bookie. At their best, a bookie isnt just a business assocate, there your only friend who truly holds you accountable.Its now going to be a arms race between Amazon and Google to figure out the most user-freindly way to make you lose all your money but nothing can truly replace the ever-looming possbility of your bookmaker suprising you at your place of business just to let you know hes thinking about you
3. Gamblig venues are going to get absoluteley hammered by all the beginners luck in the first couple weeks of the NFL season- I’m riding the public.
4. Sports gambling is just a tax on people who dont watch the all-22.
5. Be interesting to see what hte opening line on MJ/Lebron is now that your allowed to bet on it. By the way Keith Olberman has wayed into the Lebron MJ fray (finaly) but added a new wrinkle to the age old question. He wants to know if LeBron/MJ is the GOAT debate of all time. Its a interesting hypothetical to be sure, and one that hopefully we’ll see debated throughly over the coming years and decades. Other nominees include Lincoln v James (Chaffee v Webb), whose turn it is to be on bottom, white lady v black men wishing to eat outdoors, and child v bathtime.
6. Finaly Americans can play fantasy football without the worry of stigmitization that goes along with being labeled a criminal or a nerd
7. They should open up lines on individual players so you can bet on your future gambling. I would bet a million dollars I’m going to lose money on gambling in the next 10 years.
8. For the first time Fantasy football has defnitely lost some of the bad-boy underground criminal element that made playing it so exillerating to begin with. Having whispered water-cooler conversation and using burner phoones to call into sunday morning sports shows was half the fun of playing. Now that any looser can sign up without fear of prosecution or getting smack-talked its just not the same.
9. Matthew Berry is like the Kennedys after they legalized drinking or the Bushs once they got all there gold out of Switzerland. The legalization of fantasy football can only mean one thing- He is going to be our Presdent one day and were going to replace fireside chats with LOVE/HATE:
HATE: getting EVISERATED by Bill Maher
LOVE: Implmenting a carrot & stick program of lifting economic sanctions in exchange for a rogue nation curtaling its nuclear weapons program that has contributed to the destablization of a entire region
HATE: The Iran deal