There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, “Sports are actually bad and we are all idiots for caring about them”. And it’s true. Sports are so dumb and the fact that people willingly invest their lives in sports proves that human beings are so less advanced than we think we are. Aliens are watching down on us right now and saying to themselves that we’re not even worth their time. I mean think about it. We hear the relationship analogy for sports fandom all the time. You get your heart broken time and time and time again yet somehow you always decide to go back for more. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, folks, you’ve got to be super fucked in the head to actually care about sports because I’d say 95% of the time you end up with your heart getting ripped out of your asshole. Even when the Philadelphia Eagles win the Super Bowl (which they did, in fact, win. It was over the New England Patriots. You can Google me on that one), you have the Flyers following that up by getting their dicks kicked in by the Penguins and then the Sixers throwing away game after game to the Celtics like they were Trey Burton throwing a ball to Nick Foles in the end zone during Super Bowl LII (which, again, the Philadelphia Eagles were victorious in).
So what should we do instead? I’m open to suggestions. Should we start a book club? Do we just start hiking or some shit like that? What do people who don’t watch or care about sports do? Because they probably woke up this morning feeling pretty good about life. They probably weren’t waking up in the middle of the night and losing sleep over what a worthless bum Robert Covington is. Like what do the people at Deadspin do with all of their free time? There just has to be something better than this. There has to be.
While we wait to figure out what our new hobby will be, I’ll see everybody next year when LeBron is on the Sixers and Tavares is on the Flyers.