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I Wholeheartedly Apologize For Not Taking Out Terry Rozier When I Had The Chance

Damn you, destiny. Why must ye always smite thee? ‘Twas November, 2017, a few weeks into the NBA season. A mighty and hungry Terry Rozier was coming off the bench for the Celtics in midst of a 16-game winning streak. Friend of the program Terry was in town and came by Barstool HQ for a surprisingly short 8-hour Mickstape podcast and a Nazi Zombie killing session on Barstool Gametime. Everything was peaches and cream…

That was then. This is now. Let me be clear. I wholeheartedly apologize for not knowing what I know now and failing to end Terry Rozier. If you told me the Sixers and city of Philadelphia would have to die a slow death observing Terry Rozier whipping it out on a nightly basis every damn possession doing stuff like THIS:

I would’ve done everything within my power to halt the inevitable. Would I have succeeded in my quest? Fuck no. Scary Terry would’ve gutted me in an instant and taken my head as a trophy. But I would’ve tried, dammit. I would’ve tried.

But that’s what the Barstool Gametime bump does. An appearance on the sticks or Beat The Blockhead and you’ll be guaranteed to have your life stock skyrocket. The facts are facts. Keenen Allen in 2016: 1 game, 6 catches, 63 yards, 0 TD’s, one shattered leg. Then he appeared on Barstool Gametime and, for some reason, received the Full Moon Of Hope:

Keenan Allen in 2017: 16 games, 102 catches, 1,393 yards, 6 TD’s, Comeback Player Of The Year, Pro Bowl, and the first player in NFL history to record three straight games of at least 10 receptions, 100 receiving yards with one touchdown, and two intact Anterior Crucial Ligaments. Not too shabby. Next time Keenan stops by he’ll be howlin’ at my Moon for a Super Bowl.

Then there’s Chad Johnson. Pre-Barstool Gametime he had 7 concussions and 7 kids on his record.

After the Gametime bump? Um…still 7 concussions and 7 kids. I guess attempting to eliminate either would be an issue, so we’ll take that as a W.

Can’t wait till AJ Boyle wins defensive player of the year and YBN Nahmir and YBN Smitty on the drums hit #1 on the charts together thanks to the Gametime bump. In fact, the only person I think to come out of an appearance on Barstool Gametime with a more dismal future than past was Justin Tuck when I told him to give me his best pass rush. The fact I was not only able to create someone of a pocket for Slim Slingin’ Clem but I didn’t instantly disintegrate means Tuck’s got little left in the tank. D-III never dies.

And here’s playing against Bazzi in NBA 2k earlier this week, he’s about to blow up in a big way…

Watch COSMIC Bazzi getting BUCKETS in Barstool HQ from Barstoolsports on www.twitch.tv