Barstool’s Champions League Preview – The “Roma vs Liverpool – Miracolo 2.0?” Edition
Sam’s Soccer Safe Space For Stoolies
Hi haters,
I mean, what else is there to say at this point? Real Madrid was the second best in the group stage to Tottenham, second best against PSG (until they lost Neymar), second best against Juventus and second best against Bayern. The “lucky” explanation only works so many times before you have to start legitimately believing there is something else going on. I don’t mean UEFA giving them easy draws (they definitely did NOT this year) nor referees intentionally favoring them (I don’t buy that even a little bit). No, I mean something else – something more malignant or perhaps even pernicious.
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And yet here they are, once more, in the Champions League final. Again. And Again. And again.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more. It is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury Signifying nothing
Little known fact: Shakespeare actually that soliloquy about numnuts who predict Real Madrid will do something other than advance in the Champions League. Which is to say, anybody betting against the Madridistas at this point is almost as dumb as they are stupid. (Somebody please write that one down for later, thanks.)
But enough about old shit. We can discuss Real Madrid again in a few weeks times when the final rolls around. For now let’s turn our attention to who they will be playing beating facing in Kiev on May 25….
First, though, let’s take a moment prepare for the glorious drama directly ahead by getting our minds right and balls tingling thanks to the sweet melodies of the second best song ever produced by humankind:
(behind only – it goes without saying – a Fergie-free Star Spangled Banner)
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CHAMPIONS LEAGUE
How we got here and the particulars of what’s on tap today:
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WEDNESDAY’S PICK
Roma [+155]
Liverpool [+145]
Draw [+275]
Reminder: Liverpool was at one point last week up 5-0 and had 1.999999 feet squarely in the Champions League final… before Klopp removed Daddy Puff and the Reds’ defense suddenly got a little leaky – Lovren gonna Lovren, amirite? – and they gave up a goal.
And another one.
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As unfortunate as this turn of events was for Liverpool fans, it was just as fortunate for pretty much everybody else since it makes today’s game actually worth watching.
In the end though, let’s be serious, there is absolutely no way that Roma is coming back from a three-goal deficit against an in-form team featuring one of the more in-form players in all the land…
Miracolo 1.0
Oh, right, that.
So is there any chance of a second miraculous comeback by Roma in roughly as many weeks?
In a word, yes – but it is highly, highly unlikely.
Some people could point to Liverpool’s domestic form – eg, draws against Everton, Dead Brom (West Zombie?) and Stoke – as a reason to believe they could lay an egg today. I wouldn’t buy that with your money though given the B-squads that Klopp has been playing in the league for the last month. Depth is, after all, not one of Liverpool’s strengths at the moment.
So Roma’s only real chance of making things interesting boils down to three things that ALL must break in their favor:
(1) In the first leg Eusebio Di Francesco tried a three-back set that played an inexplicably high line – at Anfield? Against a team full of speedy attackers?? – and *GASP* wouldn’t you know it they got absolutely murdered for it. Whoda thunk! Anyway, the Italians will almost certainly switch to a more traditional four-back system that plays more conservative and, oh I donno, perhaps doesn’t leave a massive gap in behind for Liverpool to exploit.
(2) An off night for Bobby, Mané-Mané and – most importantly yet most improbably – Lord Salah. Never say never, as they, as they have individually and sometimes in tandems been largely held in check by the likes of Dead Brom… but that was with almost nothing on the line. Betting against Salah to score given the incredible form he’s in at the moment would be as dumb, and perhaps even dumber, than betting against Real Madrid in Champions League.
(3) Loris Karius and Dejan Lovren. You can slather a leopard with black paint and call it a panther, and maybe even convince it that it is indeed a panther for a little while, but eventually the paint is going to wear off and they will remember they are indeed a leopard. Klopp seems to have slathered Karius and Lovren with some sort of magic paint that turned them into good – sometimes even really good – players over the last few months but they have been making some huge errors lately that makes you wonder if perhaps the paint is wearing off and they are going to turn back into the mistake-prone pumpkins they had been in years past. Roma will need at least one gift-wrapped goal today if they are going to overcome such a huge deficit.
Can Roma pull it off? Mehhhhhhhh. Given the way the knockout round second legs have been going it is right about time for one to be a total yawn-fest, which would mean Liverpool score the first goal and successfully batten down the hatches. That just doesn’t seem like this Liverpool though – both because sitting back is in the club’s DNA (at the moment) and given their known capacity for calamitous blunders. My guess is that Roma find a way to make it interesting with at least a goal or two, just enough to upgrade Liverpool buttcheeks from puckered to extra-puckered, but someone – did Dele Alli’s genitals just score? Oh, no, that’s Salah – gets in behind and much-needed provides a sanity check. Roma to “win” 2-1.
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***BREAKING***
Because everybody knows my brain sucks and doesn’t work very well I have made the executive decision to institute an INTERLOPING LUMINARY PREDICTION section in case you would prefer to tail (or fade) somebody with a fully functional cerebral cortex… this week’s guest picker really needs no introduction as you already know him as The Guy Who Is Best Friends With Actual Super Models And Even Texts Them On The Weekends Sometimes
That’s right, it’s Mr. John Feitelberg.
So without further ado, his prediction: “3-1 Liverpool victory with one goal each from Salah, Mane and Firmino”
#UnbiasedOpinionsOnly
(Is it weird that I kinda like his prediction more than mine?)
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So there we have it. Another big, big, biggggggggggggggggg day tomorrow. Hahaha, kidding, it’s just Europa…
We all float down here!
but for real though it will involve the biggest game of Arsenal’s season as the Gunners head to Atletico having secured a famous 1-1 draw at… oh, wait, that was at home? Against 10 men?? Yikes. Suddenly that 1-1 result doesn’t sound so great. But either way, all to play for against Other Madrid tomorrow afternoon when we find out if Arsene gives his beloved club a parting gift or one last massive disappointment (another year of Europa) to ‘member him by.
Stay pumped, kiddos.
Holler,
Samuel Army