I Need An Explanation For How 34 Year Old Charlie Morton Throws 99 MPH All Of A Sudden (Steroids, Aliens, Dark Magic, The Devil, Etc.)
I can’t take it anymore. Someone has to say something about Charlie Morton. Ever since last year’s postseason Charlie Morton has become basically the best pitcher in all of baseball. Throughout his whole career he’s been a middle of the rotation guy who has pretty good off-speed stuff to get himself by. Here is the career he materialized leading up to 2016.
Some years he was dreadful like in 2010. Others he was solid, but never threw more than 171.2 innings. He never had a season where he struck out more batters than innings pitched because he was never an overpowering pitcher. He sat out most of 2016 with a torn hamstring. Before he got hurt, this is what he looked like on the mound. What you’ll see is a good curveball, a 95 mph fastball, accompanied by a good two-seamer clocking in around 90.
This was one of his four starts he made before the season-ending injury. Whatever happened in that time off changed this man’s life forever.
Morton returned in 2016 with a NINETY NINE MILE PER HOUR fastball. He struck out more guys than innings pitched for the first time in his career and was dominant in the postseason. Here are his highlights from Game 7 of the World Series when he came in relief to shut the door on three days rest. He constantly hits 97 while topping out at 99 as he stifles the Dodgers.
Just like he did in Game 7 of the ALCS, Morton faced the Yankees last night and completely baffled them. He frequently hit 98, topping out at 99 mph. He’s a goddamn monster with this new fastball to go with his curveball and slider that move three feet off the fucking plate. Through six starts he’s got a 1.72 ERA as hitters have simply no idea how to solve him. He looks like Roy Halladay if Roy could ever throw close to 100 miles an hour. After seeing him again on TV last night dominate the Yankees I think it’s time for a discussion.
1. Steroids (Allegedly)
If Morton gets caught this will be one of the more blatant uses of PEDs since the days of Brady Anderson when he hit 50 homers one year after having a previous career high of 21. I mean 34 year olds don’t just add 5 miles an hour to their fastball. I asked Tex on his thoughts and he said it’s probably steroids. It just has to be.
2. Dark Magic
It’s possible Charlie met up with Dr. Stephen Strange and had some crazy shit done to him. Maybe he entered another realm and had some spells cast upon him. It’s an avenue we have to investigate given the circumstances.
3. He Sold Himself To the Devil
Charlie Morton might be the Dave Portnoy of baseball. It’s possible, following that injury plagued 2016 season, that Morton got really low, contemplated sitting out baseball and was cornered by Lucifer himself. He presented Charlie with two options: Continue his mediocre baseball career and never achieve anything or sell his soul in exchange for added life to his fastball and win a World Series championship. I think this is a likely scenario given his immediate success and how we witness Dave Portnoy have similar luck on a daily basis.
4. The Rookie of the Year 2.0
I hate this movie and this kid. But maybe Charlie tripped, fell and banged up his arm during the offseason. Almost at the brink of hanging up his uniform, Charlie discovered that this freak injury caused him to throw 100 mph. This would mean his luck will run out soon enough and he’ll be back to barely touching 95 in the coming months.
So what is it?
Steroids. Charlie Morton has to (allegedly) be juicing, right? This type of thing just doesn’t happen to 34 year olds with the assistance of illegal substances. I need a full investigation by the CIA, FBI, and Counter Terrorism Units around America to find out what is going on. Maybe get the Area 51 people involved to. I need answers.
Update: Coincidentally Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer is going to war with people on Twitter about this very thing right now.
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