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Military Police Capture 'Messenger Of Meth' Who Looks Exactly Like He Sounds

‘Round these parts we have a ‘Philly Jesus’ that walks on wooder & loiters by the LOVE statue, and if you head farther south they have a similar but slightly sketchier character. Meet South Carolina’s ‘Messenger of Meth’, Marion Cobra. ::pauses for a moment to appreciate his last name, even though it might actually be Corba instead of Cobra::

Yesterday he was just going about his business, spreading the word of tweeky uppers, when he hit a real downer. His vehicle of prophecy (Dodge Grand Caravan) rammed into several cars and then descended into Hell (SC National Guard base). The 31-year-old, who appears to be turning 107 next month, went scrambling further onto Guard property where he announced he was indeed, “the Messenger of Meth” before being taken prisoner by terrible demons (military police) who apparently have zero respect for that title.

Once the local Springdale Police arrived they made a wonderful assessment of the scene:

“They were coming at him like a group of alligators after someone entered their den. In his frenzy, (Corba) broke the fence and the soldiers detained him until we arrived.”

Sorry if you had your volume up for that.

In the end, Cobra couldn’t slither out of it (I’m sorry) and is facing several charges including DUI. I can only assume crime will go down substantially with meth’s messenger, the Johnny Appleseed of crank, off the streets.