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Cubs Blow Tits Off Indians, Hit 4 Yabos, Win 10-3

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The Cubs annihilated the Indians last night 10-3. You probably heard by now but there were some big time Yabos. Before we get to those and other things I want to take a brief moment to point out that the Cubs have won 4 out of their last 5 games. The boys are starting to get warm. The sun is peaking through the Chicago clouds. Soon, your tops will be popped in the Wrigley bleachers, and that’s when the heavy artillery shellings will really begin. Northeastern France circa 1916 is going to look like a picnic when they’re done. Let’s get to the damage:

Schwarbos 

Excuse me while I take you behind the scenes with some statcast knowledge. Kyle Schwarber hit those baseballs hard and far. But the one advanced metric statcast doesn’t want to talk about though is Time Ball Leaves Yard and that first Yabo was about 1.1 seconds on my stopwatch. That’s very nice. For my quant guys at home, Schwarber’s OPS is up to 1.048 which ties with Bryce for 9th in MLB and 3rd in the NL. I think it’s the confidence that comes with fitting into a nice pair of 32/32 chinos.

Also, did you know that Kyle Schwarber has minority ownership of Progressive Field? Yeah just look at this extremely dramatic infographic from MLB twitter and tell me otherwise:

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Miscellaneous Yabos

The Cubs hit a different kind of Yabo for everyone last night. The oppo slicer crowd gets some love from happy. The right handed laser show enthusiasts get a taste of Willson’s first dinger of the year. And of course thundercock fans were treated to Schwarber’s moon shot and piss rod above. That’s a healthy smorgasbord of jacks and it makes me happy. Like genuinely and sincerely happy to see the boys clicking. The Indians don’t suck, and they got slapped around their home field last night by a group of grown ass men. Feels good to be on the right side of this beat down.

Tyler Chatwood Recap

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Believe it or not, the video highlight selection is pretty thin when you walk 5 guys in 6 innings so excuse me if we just cut the shit and get to the bottom line. Tyler Chatwood has a horseshoe lodge in his butt cheeks right now. It’s not completely up his butt yet but it’s getting there. He has a 1.71 WHIP. I repeat ONE POINT SEVEN ONE WHIP. The #3 on your high school JV team carries a one seven and that’s okay. Tyler Chatwood? No bueno. On the bright side, he’s limiting the damage he puts himself in. Like a functioning alcoholic stepdad, you just hope he doesn’t explode one of these days. Like it would be much better if Tyler started commanding his fastball a little more each start now that the season’s 20 games underway. My overall impression is that he could pitch to a sub-3 era while being top 10 in ground balls and top 20 in weak contact if he gets his fastball command sorted out. Until then we’re laboring through some dramatic innings more often than I’d like.

Luke Farrell Fun Facts

Notable Northwestern Alum Luke Farrell made his season debut against Colorado over the weekend and he pitched again last night striking out the side, technically. This is John Farrell’s kid, so I think that’s pretty cool. 5 k’s in his first 2 innings this year. I like a smart guy in the bullpen. Probably working on crossword puzzles and saying enlightening stuff all the time. Also cool that his college teammate Chad Noble is the bullpen catcher. They probably didn’t dream that one up 10 years ago in Evanston.

Next Up – Lester vs. Trevor Bauer Tonight

Trevor Bauer makes me want to puke. For all the talent in the world this guy sure does moan. Hard. I imagine him throwing things around the house. Lots of things. Remotes, drones, temper tantrums. The whole bag is in play with this asshole and I hope to god we knock him around tonight. Unfortunately, and for as much of a D is as he can be, he’s got some of the filthiest stuff in baseball. He is fun to watch, per se. But I also think his face is very punchable and from one punchable face to another, I hope Jon Lester shoves it down his thrown. 4 out of 5 is good. 5 out of 6 is a heater.

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