Grading Everyone's 'Avengers: Infinity War' Red Carpet Looks

This past Monday night, 'Avengers: Infinity War' held its world premiere in Los Angeles, and everyone in attendance was dressed to the absolute nines. When the Oscars or the Golden Globes hold their red carpet ceremonies, everyone freaks out over who's wearing what because it's basically the beautiful people's SuperBowl...but this is like the beautiful people's All-Star Game. The 'Infinity War' red carpet may not be the biggest, it may not have the most eyes on it, and some of the participants may not take it seriously because it doesn't really count, but we're talking about the best of the best beautiful people here. You know how fuckin' pretty you have to be to be an AVENGER?!

Er, well, fuck. That renders my last statement completely useless now doesn't it? I guess there's an exception to every rule, right? (Sorry Cumberbatch, I still love you)

So let's get into it. How'd our favorite heroes look?

Robert Downey Jr (Tony Stark/Iron Man)

GRADE: C

Yiiiiikes! Rough start to the blog from the leader himself, Iron Man. Suit barely fits, the tinted shades are more like goggles than sunglasses, and that hair! What are you doing with that hair, RDJ? He's gotta figure that out. Can't be looking like Tony Stark in the movies and everyone's Grateful Dead-loving uncle in the midst of a midlife crisis in reality.

Chris Hemsworth (Thor)

GRADE: A

Alright, here we go. Already all the way back from Downey's misfire. Chris Hemsworth drips sex everywhere he goes and the Infinity War premiere was no exception. The shirt being unbuttoned deep into the vest is a game-changer I'm not sure I've ever seen before, and the accessories he's got just make him look like an absolute rockstar. The sunglasses, the pocketwatch, the bracelets, the rings, all of it. Thor fucks.

Chadwick Boseman (T'Challa/Black Panther)

GRADE: A

STRONG showing from Boseman here, who's so hot in the streets that everyone's expectations were already high for hit outfit, but he lived up to them. I don't even understand his shirt, the whole color scheme of it and how it works, but I love it. If that suit fits a little more snug this is an easy A+. Wakanda Forever.

Scarlett Johansson (Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow)

GRADE: C-

Mark Ruffalo (Bruce Banner/Hulk)

GRADE: B+

Tom Holland (Peter Parker/Spider-Man)

GRADE: A-

These suit jackets are kinda becoming Tom Holland's signature look and they're FLAMES. He rocks the shit out of them and I want one. I know it won't look as good on me but a boy can dream. He's also rocking Spidey-red underneath, which, as you just learned, scores major points for me. Great shoes too.

Chris Pratt (Peter Quill/Star-Lord)

GRADE: C+

Sebastian Stan (Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier)

GRADE: A

Yet another outfit I simply don't understand but love. Is Sebastian Stan not wearing a button down? Is that just a shirt with a collar and a crease? No idea. But I love it. If the left arm of his suit jacket were gray, he'd not only score an instant A+ from me, he'd be pulling off the greatest fit of the 21st Century.

Zoe Saldana (Gamora)

GRADE: A

I'm a HUGE Zoe Saldana fan, to the point where she could wear a garbage bag to the red carpet and I'd give her a B minimum, but this is actually a super hot look so we've got back-to-back A's.

Paul Rudd (Scott Lang/Ant-Man)

GRADE: B+

Look at Scotty Lang bringin' some heat! His outfit is entirely inspired by Ant-Man, which I love, and he looks about 4-foot-2 in this picture which is even better. I think his grade is maybe a tad inflated just because he's Paul Rudd and I expected him wearing a Men's Warehouse rental or something, so just by nature of him going off the beaten path I marked out a little.

Gwyneth Paltrow (Pepper Potts)

GRADE: B

Dayum Paltrow, 45 years old and still crushing it. Good for you. 

Benedict Cumberbatch (Doctor Strange)

GRADE: A-

BENNY WITH THE VELOUR!!! 

Brie Larson (Captain Marvel)

GRADE: B

Josh Brolin (Thanos)

GRADE: B

Angela Bassett (Ramonda)

GRADE: B

Angela Basset with a VERY cool dress. Very Wakanda-esque. Love it.

Elizabeth Olsen (Wanda Maximoff/Scarlet Witch)

GRADE: B+

BIG TIME HEAT. I'm wildly in love with Elizabeth Olsen and she's another one who could pretty much do no wrong in my eyes. I love how she decided she didn't want to wear a dress but also wanted to look like she did so she just tied a blanket around her waist or something. She's pulling it off, too! What a stunner.

Letitia Wright (Shuri)

GRADE: C+

Take away all of the jellyfish nets growing out of this pantsuit and change the hair up a bit and you're in contention for an A. Leave things the way they are and I have no choice but to hand over a C+. I really didn't want to, not to Shuri, but I had to. For the integrity of the game.

Michael Rooker (Yondu)

GRADE: D

HORRRRRRRRRRRRIBLE. HORRIBLE. So bad. Worst of the night by a billion miles and if he wasn't Michael Rooker he'd get an F. Cannot believe he left the house like this, but then again, giving so little shits is commendable.

Karen Gillan (Nebula)

GRADE: C+

Such a weird dress. Sorry Karen. Still waiting on a reply here btw.

Don Cheadle (James Rhodes/War Machine)

GRADE: B+

Love love love love LOVE the Hawaiian button-up from Rhodey. Don Cheadle seems like kinda guy who does these movies a few times a year, and then spends 100% of his time outside them on a boat somewhere wearing a sailor cap throwing back martinis. One of the more suave people that seem approachable and down to earth. I'd love to spend a day with him on his yacht (which I have no confirmation of even existing).

Pom Klementieff (Mantis)

GRADE: C+

Samuel L Jackson (Nick Fury)

GRADE: B

This is the same suit/kangol/glasses combo that Sam Jackson has worn to every premiere over the past two decades, right? It's always a hit, so if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Middle of the line B here.

Vin Diesel (Groot)

GRADE: A+

WINNA WINNA CHICKEN DINNA!!!

Holy moly Vin Diesel. Mothafuckin' twigs growing out of that white leather jacket?! I'm surprised any photos even surfaced, I'd figure everyone's cameras would burst into flames on the spot. Spoiler alert for the rest of this blog: Nobody even comes close to touching this. Our sole A+. He is Groot. Fucking beautiful. He knows he scorched all the competition, too. Look at his face. Priceless.

Bradley Cooper (Rocket Raccoon)

GRADE: B

When you're Bradley Cooper, you can own one suit, wear it everywhere, and still get by. Because you're Bradley Cooper.

Dave Bautista (Drax The Destroyer)

GRADE: B+

Ha! Friggin' Batista, man. This is 100% exactly what I'd expect he would be wearing. Hysterical. He's 49. Love that guy.

Paul Bettany (Vision)

GRADE: C+

Jeeeeeeeeeeesus Paul Bettany's a lanky dude. Tough to be cast alongside Hemsworth, Pratt, Hiddleston, and the rest of 'em when you look like the fish man from 'The Shape of Water'. He married Jennifer Connelly, though, so he does give me some hope.

Danai Gurira (Okoye)

GRADE: A-

HEY NOW! We're about to go on a finishing stretch for the ages, so strap in. Danai Gurira kicks us off with a killer blood-red dress and a rad hairdo, finishing off the run of Wakandans which was as strong as you'd expect.

Tom Hiddleston (Loki)

GRADE: B+

Kind of the end of an era here. I've watched this handsome son of a bitch work MCU red carpets for almost a decade now, and if I know anything about anything, Loki's getting off'ed in Infinity War for good. He looked as dashing as always, though. Leave the memories alone.

Evangeline Lilly (Hope van Dyne/The Wasp)

GRADE: A

Incredible. And with that, we're all done here.

I'll be honest, I seriously underestimated how many fucking people were in this movie when I began writing this blog. Jesus Christ. I broke a sweat by the time I hit Paltrow.

Chris Evans is the obvious omission from this event, and it's because he's on Broadway right now doing a show called 'Lobby Hero'. Sucks because he woulda been looking like a snack for sure.

P.S. Since the premiere was on Monday and all social media/review embargos have been lifted since, be VERY careful surfing the web if you don't want this movie spoiled. I'm completely off social media till I see it (Zero Dark Thirty-23 initiated), and I'd highly suggest you do the same. Most important of all, don't look at the comments for ANYTHING, not even a random cooking video you scroll past on Facebook. People are always out to ruin the fun for others when it comes to this kinda stuff, so nowhere is safe.

#ThanosDemandsYourSilence

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POST CREDITS SCENE:

Stan Lee (Stan Lee)

GRADE: A+

Excelsior!!!