PhD Student Makes Yogurt with Her Vagina

Cropped Hand Eating Yogurt On White Table

MotherboardCecilia Westbrook is a friend of mine, and an MD/PhD student at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. We had joked before about making yogurt from vaginal secretions—predictable jokes about the dietary benefit of eating pussy, about naming the product ‘Queeffer’—but then a Google search was performed and: nothing. Not even in medical literature. Curiosity piqued, Westbrook began to research in earnest. What choice did she have but to try it herself?

Every vagina is home to hundreds of different types of bacteria and organisms. … The dominant bacteria is called lactobacillus, which also happens to be what people sometimes use to culture milk, cheese, and yogurt.

She knew enough about the chemistry of the vagina to think that eating a batch of yogurt made from her ladyjuices would be good for her. Seriously. …

The “collection method” was done with a wooden spoon. She set up a positive control (made with actual yogurt as the starter culture) and a negative control (plain milk with nothing added), and combined her own home-made ingredient to the third batch of yogurt. Left overnight, the magic of biology created a respectably-sized bowl.

Her first batch of yogurt tasted sour, tangy, and almost tingly on the tongue. She compared it to Indian yogurt, and ate it with some blueberries.

This is not, it turns out, a very good idea at all.

Cecilia Westbrook’s friend might thing vagina yogurt is not a very good idea. You may think it’s not a very good idea. I most certainly think it’s not a very good idea. But by God you have to admire her for trying.

As Newton said, “No great discovery was ever made without a bold guess.” And the future Dr. Westbrook was guessing that making a dairy product with a recipe that begins with “Insert a wooden spoon into your chooch” would not be disgusting. She guessed wrong. But it’s bold, outside the box thinkers like her that have guided the advancements of all humankind. Alexander Fleming no doubt thought bread mold was gross when he used to it to make penicillin. Ben Frankling risked electrocution with the kite trick. I’m sure Madame Curie wasn’t thrilled about dying horribly of radiation poisoning. And J. Robert Oppenheimer wasn’t sure if splitting the atom would cause a chain reaction that would reduce the whole world to ashes. But they were not deterred because they knew they were onto something and risks needed to be taken.

What if Cecilia’s vaginal bacteria created the next great dairy product. Or the new Cool Whip? The perfect pizza topping? Or a vital ingredient for the world’s greatest coffee drink? Now imagine if she hadn’t tried?

Actually, the more I think about it, I’d be fine if she hadn’t. I’m all about scientific discovery, but as a long time fan of vaginas, there is a limit to how much I want to know about them. Like I told the midwife in the delivery room when she invited me to come down to the foot of the hospital bed, I prefer to keep an air of mystery and wonder, thanks. Just like the miraculous vag can produce life and healthy dairy cultures, it’s my personal choice to stay focused on one particular function, thanks. But keep working at it, Cecilia Westbrook. For science.

Science shit