I Will Never Squeeze My Nipples

Because I work from home in Texas, I have no clue what is happening on the rundown, but I feel like this is something that I need to get out in front of just in case. I will absolutely never squeeze my nipples.

When I was younger, a popular game was titty twister. The name is a misnomer. It’s not the tit you squeeze but rather the nipple itself. My nipples are like that of the Mexican peso. They’ve got a strong copper hue and have been devalued in recent years due to underuse. Now, I’m not saying that I’m a fella who likes to get his nipple licked but I wouldn’t protest too much to my lady if she acted like my nipples were the sucker marked with a star and a Native American on the wrapper. Talkin Tootsie Roll Pop, folks. Grape. Delicious.


Sorry if that offends.

In my day, we twisted the shit out of each other’s nipples in the locker room. If a buddy had you by the nipple, he could legally squeeze and twist until you whistled. That was the game. Those were the rules. It mattered not if you were a subpar whistler. You must whistle or you shan’t be released from death’s grip. As the old saying goes, “Whistle, bitch.”

I was a bad whistler. I think it’s because I have an underbite. To combat the whistle rule, I developed a different way to whistle. Allow me to demonstrate.

It took me months to develop that whistle. As a result, my nipples were an absolute mess. I know how to whistle now. I will not abide getting my nipples twisted. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.