Advertisement

I Will Never Squeeze My Nipples

Because I work from home in Texas, I have no clue what is happening on the rundown, but I feel like this is something that I need to get out in front of just in case. I will absolutely never squeeze my nipples.

When I was younger, a popular game was titty twister. The name is a misnomer. It’s not the tit you squeeze but rather the nipple itself. My nipples are like that of the Mexican peso. They’ve got a strong copper hue and have been devalued in recent years due to underuse. Now, I’m not saying that I’m a fella who likes to get his nipple licked but I wouldn’t protest too much to my lady if she acted like my nipples were the sucker marked with a star and a Native American on the wrapper. Talkin Tootsie Roll Pop, folks. Grape. Delicious.

tootsie-pop-indian-wrapper-56a9a2a53df78cf772a91c90

Sorry if that offends.

In my day, we twisted the shit out of each other’s nipples in the locker room. If a buddy had you by the nipple, he could legally squeeze and twist until you whistled. That was the game. Those were the rules. It mattered not if you were a subpar whistler. You must whistle or you shan’t be released from death’s grip. As the old saying goes, “Whistle, bitch.”

I was a bad whistler. I think it’s because I have an underbite. To combat the whistle rule, I developed a different way to whistle. Allow me to demonstrate.

It took me months to develop that whistle. As a result, my nipples were an absolute mess. I know how to whistle now. I will not abide getting my nipples twisted. Thank you for your time and God bless the United States of America.