Green-Haired Turtle Who Breathes Through Its Genitals Is Now Endangered

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Endangered animals don’t come much more quirky than the charming Mary River turtle. Not only does this freshwater reptile have piercing gold eyes, green hair and fleshy barbs on its neck, but it also has a very, very bizarre way of breathing.

As its name suggests, the Mary River turtle only lives in the Mary River south-eastern Queensland, far west Australia. The docile turtle’s scientific name is Elusor macrurus and the ‘hair’ on its head are vertical strands of algae. Measuring up to 40cm, it is categorised as a ‘bum-breathing’ turtle because it breathes through special glands located in its, er, reproductive organs. And yet they take a long time to mature sexually, rarely mating before the age of 25.

Man, I didnt expect to wake up from getting a little SE (shut eye) to find out that my favorite turtle species in the world was going through a tough time like this. I mean, you fellas know me pretty well at this point. It’s a big-time goal of mine to be able to breathe through my genitals. Our green-haired pal here had it all figured out.

Imagine stunting on your friends at the local YMCA by taking a huge breath in your butt and heading underwater for 48 hours while your tufts of green hair sway in the water so gently that people begin to weep. That was the daily life of the Mary River turtle and we are on the cusp of losing that forever.

I, for one, wont stand for it.

In solidarity with this turtle, let’s all breathe through our genitals. Start with me now. 1. 2. 3. breathe…… and exhale through your dick. Ah. That feels nice. Again. 1. 2. 3. breathe…… and exhale through your butt.