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I'm A Bad Guy: A Ballad

I remember that when I got to high school, a couple girls told me that the hottest guys in school were the “burners”– the dudes who smoked weed and wore sweatpants every day and didn’t do their homework and partied every weekend. There was no way I was going to sacrifice my grades for chicks, so I wasn’t very popular with girls in high school. I was seen as a “try hard” and a “choir boy,” a “designated driver” and a “total fucking loser.”

But oh how the tables have turned. Nowadays, chicks my age recalibrate their search for a GOOD guy! They want someone to introduce to their parents, someone who knows which berries are edible and which are poisonous. I can play that guy, and I know my berries better than most. But if you’re looking for the good guy I used to be… you’re too late.

PS- it drives me nuts how much I use my eyebrows in these songs, but I can’t help it.

PPS- I wrote at least 4 other verses to this. I can sing about being evil for days.