Is Ted Cruz's Sex Appeal Enough To Keep His Political Career Alive
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In the fall of 2018, millions of people will see a rancid, disgusting amorphous blob covered in a fine film of grease and mucus appear on their television screens. That’s right folks, it’s election year in Texas and Ted Cruz is back on the ballot. He’ll be spending millions of dollars on ads trying to convince voters that it’s better to be represented in the Senate by a spineless reptilian devoid of any emotion than a real life, breathing human being.
What should be a safe re-election campaign for Cruz in deep red Texas is shaping out to be a competitive race, largely due to a combination of the strongly anti-Trump national climate and the charisma and fundraising prowess of Cruz’s Democratic challenger, Beto O’Rourke. The contrast to the candidates could not be sharper. Whereas Cruz spent his youth getting stuffed in lockers in between debate tournaments, O’Rourke was the front man for a punk rock band and got elected to Congress on a pro-marijuana legalization platform. If elections really are popularity contests, this one will be razor close.
First elected in 2012, Cruz made a name for himself as a firebrand in the Senate who was not afraid to buck his own party to fight for true conservative principles like heavily regulating who is allowed to use which bathroom. He is a staunch advocate of limited government and is committed to a far-right agenda that makes Jeff Flake look like Dennis Kucinich. Cruz further increased his national profile in 2016 when he attempted do what he has been working towards all his life and win the Republican presidential nomination. Instead, he was resoundingly defeated by Donald Trump who decided to run to impress Heather Brooke.
His challenger in 2018 is everything Cruz is not. Whereas O’Rourke is beloved both within Texas and by Democrats across the country, Cruz is widely loathed even within his own party. O’Rourke will be counting on rapidly changing demographics throughout the state to be enough to carry him across the finish line in November. Cruz on the other hand, will rely on turning out Texas’s huge base of reliably Republican voters and making sure dads across the state aren’t too hungover from cursing out high school football referees Friday night to make it to the polls on Tuesday. And while O’Rourke is seen a handsome, young, fresh face, Cruz is considered deeply disgusting and unfuckable even by his own wife.
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Democrats this year will be counting on a “blue wave” to help pick up seats that would be considered completely out of reach in any other year. A rash of Republican incumbents retiring mainly due to unflattering dick pics and very upset mistresses, combined with high-profile, well-funded Democratic challengers across the country, gives the Democrats a very real chance of winning the House next year. However, the math in the Senate is far trickier.
Democrats will be defending several seats in states like North Dakota, West Virginia, and Indiana that Trump won be healthy margins by speaking to the concerns of working class folks and not being afraid to attack Graydon Carter. They will have to not only defend all those seats, but also pick up swing seats in Nevada and Arizona to have any chance at winning the Senate. Texas and Tennessee represent the next tier of potential pick ups for Democrats, reliably Republican states that could be in play if elections in Virginia, Alabama, and Pennsylvania’s 18th Congressional District are any indication of what’s to come in November.
A few years ago, a Democrat winning a Senate seat in Texas would have been unthinkable. But 2018 is shaping up to be a unique year politically and O’Rourke is a unique candidate whose captured the imaginations of voters and has been fundraising at an impressive clip. If things keep up the way they’re going, O’Rourke may be able to do what no one has been able to do in fifty years and finally get revenge for JFK from that bastard Rafael Cruz.