Cubs News & Notes: Oh No We Suck Again

News and Notes Logo- The Cubs are 45-48 over the last 93 FIRST HALF baseball games, good for a .488 win percentage aka not World Champion caliber baseball. Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just laying out the cold hard first half facts and they are not pretty. For example, 6 of 10 regular players have an OPS less than .560. Those same guys have 6 extra base hits in 107 AB’s. For context, Alex Gordon had the worst OPS of qualified hitters in MLB last year. It was .609. So technically those 6 are playing shittier than the shittiest guy played last year.

– Fuck you, small sample size. I know it’s April and you’re a logical explanation. But I’m extremely impatient and, more importantly, smart enough to know that back-to-back shutouts by the Marlins and goddamn Reds is simply unacceptable. Honest to fucking God the minor league teams – ALL OF THEM – would have manufactured more than zero runs under identical circumstances.

– Hey carl, take it easy. They played 17 innings Friday night. They’re tired from being at the field so late. Because heaven forbid they’d be back at the hotel getting a good night’s rest and not ripping up some club and chasing hookers. I know it’s a family oriented team but let’s also remember we’re talking about Miami. We’re talking about the sex capital of the world. I am not listening to the excuse factory work its way through this one.

– Speaking of getting shutout, by the Marlins mind you, I also want to point out that the Marlins also played 17 innings, and they did not get shut out. Not by the Cubs in either subsequent game and certainly not by the goddamn Reds.


– Chief taught me that trick a long time ago. When you get mad just look at dogs. Great advice. Just great fucking advice because seriously I don’t need to explain this. Also, and in a sense because this comes from Chief, we call this an Old Hockey Trick. Love OHTs.

– Now that I’m in a better mood, let’s reflect on Kyle Schwarber’s 2018 O F F E N S I V E L Y

Subscribe to that pod btw thx

seriously thx

There’s another video of him busting ass on a double that I can’t find but he’s running hard and apparently a lot of people liked it. Honestly I’m just happy he’s picked up from the end and not beginning of last year. Granted, he still looks lost in left but this is the positive half of the blog so I’m going to keep my composure and just say he looks good in the box and it’s time to change the subject.


– Kris Bryant and Addison Russell look fantastic thus far.

– Not to be a dick but imagine a world where Kris Bryant doesn’t look fantastic. That’s laugh out loud funny. Guy fucks.


I fuck. – Kris Bryant

- Ben Zobrist looks like it’s 1917 and he’s too old to get drafted into the (original) Great War so instead he just cuts wood for a living. Like look me in the eyes and tell me he’s a major league baseball player because I swear to God you’re lying. His fundamentals are the only thing more absurd than his beard. Tom Emanski had Ben Zobrist in mind when he set out to create the perfect baseball player 30 something years ago, throwing baseballs into garbage cans on frozen ropes from 260 feet deep in left center.


I recommend Tom Emanski and steroids. – Fred McGriff, 1992

- Tyler Chatwood walked 6 Reds hitters in his first Cub start. It was cold, and he only let in 1 run and blah blah blah. Just clean it up next time around pal. I’m results oriented but we both know that’s a recipe for getting your tits shelled. The good thing is that he has 31 more starts to not walk 6 guys and you have to imagine that walking that many guys again this year is impossible. Oh well looks like we’ll have to wait and find out.

- One shining moment just came on as I’m writing this which reminds me that championships are awesome and even though the Cubs are 2-3 and coming off back to back shutouts for the first time in I’m not looking up that fucking statistic, I think we’re in good shape. It can’t get worse offensively. Just can’t meaning we’re on the up and up by default. So in spirit of One Shining Moment, never forget: