Pope Says There's No Hell so God Drops Plaster From the Vatican Ceiling

Yesterday Trent blogged about the interview Pope Francis gave where he said there is no hell. That basically if you live your life as a devout Christian you’ll get to go heaven. But if you spend it as an unrepentant, amoral, atheistic, sadist, your condemned soul just goes nowhere. There are no consequences. You just cease to be. It’s like a hall pass for everyone to be the next Genghis Khan, the next Hitler, or OJ Simpson. Which is quite a thing to hear from the head of the church for those of us going to Mass (almost) every week, avoiding delicious meat products on Fridays and just generally make an effort not to spend eternity getting raped by demons.

Meanwhile the Vatican is scrambling. Before we take to the streets, start ripping our clothes off, worshiping golden calves, gorging on porn, liquor and bacon and making the whole world look like a cross between the foot-of-Mt. Sinai scene from Ten Commandments and The Purge, they’re claiming His Holiness was misquoted. That there is a hell and this is all holy Fake News.


Well now God has weighed in with his divine two cents worth. From that great, cosmic Comment Section in the sky, we hear from FathertheAlmighty1 saying essentially, “I’ll show YOU hell” by raining chunks of plaster down upon the Pope’s acolytes. You don’t send you’re only begotten son to die just so on the anniversary the head of your church to say it was all for nothing. And don’t give me that “Plaster falls from ceilings all the time” nonsense, ya filthy blasphemer. St. Peter’s has been standing for over 600 years. The Pope says there is no hell. Within hours there are huge chunks of negative Yelp reviews falling on the floor of his church. Cause, effect.

Granted, if He wanted, He could break open the sixth seal, cause an earthquake and turn the sun black as sackcloth of goat hair. But this delivers the point nicely. It’s almost poetic. It sort of echos how when Christ died on the cross, the floor of the temple cracked and the tapestry was torn in two. So this is message delivered as far as I’m concerned. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up some nice Lenten-approved fish for dinner.