PNJ- A Pensacola woman gave new meaning to the term “food baby” over the weekend. Crystal Gail Amerson, 29, said she woke up around 4 a.m. Sunday with stomach pains that had her running back and forth between the bathroom and bedroom for more than an hour. “I had Chinese food the night before and I kind of figured maybe I had food poisoning or something like that,” Amerson said. But it turned out there was nothing wrong with the General Tso’s chicken Amerson ate the previous night. Unbeknownst to her, she was actually 37 weeks pregnant and was on the verge of giving birth to her second son. Amerson called off work at 5 a.m., and an hour later, as the pain worsened, she woke her fiance up because they needed to call an ambulance.
Hate when that happens. HATE when that happens. We’ve seen it so many times that it borders on the cliche. That moment when you eat a bunch of Chinese food and the food baby you just conceived with sesame chicken turns out to be a real baby you conceived a few months prior. Aw damn. I’ll tell you what, if I were this lady, I would’ve been suspicious from the jump. Because there’s no such thing as bad Chinese food. It’s just not possible. Chinese food is good in any form. Even if it makes your stomach hurt and you shit your brains out, it’s still a good experience. I’ll stand by Chinese food no matter what. It’s been with me through my entire life and it’s never let me down. Not once.
I consider myself Chinese food’s lawyer. It’s the thing I’m most committed to in my life. Chinese food could murder someone and I’d still be there. That’s what a good friend and good lawyer does. Just like here, this lady thought she had a bad batch of Chinese food and oops it was actually a baby. My client (Chinese food) should be cleared of any and all wrongdoing that it was a bad batch and remain the best food to ever exist. Come at the food king, you best not miss. We (me and Chinese food) hope the baby and mother are healthy and happy.
PS- What a great origin story for this kid though. He’ll be telling this story forever. “Yeah my mom thought I was bad Chinese food.” Awesome. Not as awesome as being a really fat baby from Iowa but still pretty awesome.