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The Annual NFL Head Coach Picture Day Blog

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Photo: Krystal Atwater (NFL)

 

Some say spring begins when the Masters music comes on your Television, or baseball opening day, or when the NBA/NHL playoffs begin. But around these parts winter ends when the picture of all the current NFL Coaches hits the internet. It is one of my favorite days of the year. A bunch of Football guys averse to cameras in general, forced to take a picture while they hate their lives because they aren’t currently coaching Football. I still maintain 2015 was the best picture when they made all the Coaches awkwardly stare directly into the sun.

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But this year was pretty good. So without further ado, let the awards begin…

The “Chillest guy at the party” Award – Andy Reid

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Impossible to not start with the MVP. Andy Reid owns every picture day but this one is on another level. The Hawaiian shirt always sets him apart but the commitment to shorts takes it to a whole different level. How do you intimidate all your colleagues? You dress like you’re 4 daquiris deep into a Hawaiin pig roast while everyone else awkwardly shuffles around wearing suit jackets in the sun. So Andy has the legs of an old lady, yeah we know, we just don’t care, because when you’re in a Hawaiin shirt it’s impossible to have any worries. Mahalo, bruh.

Extra Spinzone for Andy, you can’t mismanage the clock when you’re living on Island time.

Oh and a little Bonus story of Andy hazing the new guy. Classic Andy

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The day Andy Reid hangs up the Hawaiian will be one of the saddest days of my life.

The “Angry dad who expects his daughter to be home by 10pm, no excuses” Award –  Frank Reich 

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I can’t tell from this angle but there is no doubt in my mind Frank Reich is wearing an untucked dress shirt that goes down past his dick. It’s the dress up shirt for fathers that don’t want to actually dress up. He went to the mall for 5 minutes, picked out a size XXL dress shirt at Bloomingdales and called it a day. He wears that shirt twice a year. Easter and his Daughter’s graduation, yes he has 6 daughters all a year apart and no he’s not mad that he never had a son so stop fucking asking. He’s the dad that will break all your fingers when you give him a handshake and if you call him Frank and he’ll kick you out of his house so fast your head will spin. Don’t you dare sit in his recliner, he’s Mr. Reich and he won’t take your shit.

The “Loser of the shoulder space War” Award – Marvin Lewis

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Poor Marvin. One of the longest tenured Head Coaches and he can’t even get his shoulders back. Stuck sitting in that awkward lean forward position. Guy can’t catch a break.

The “I don’t know what to do with my hands and I’ve also had a fart stuck in my belly for the past 6 years” Award – Mike McCarthy

 

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I’d imagine Mike McCarthy is like a bicycle tire with a tiny hole in it. Just slowly leaking out gas at all times.

The “Tom Coughlin Perma Red Face Memorial” Award – Mike Zimmer 

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Mike Zimmer is such a football guy that his constant state of anger has morphed his face into a permanent sunburn. That also is the nicest shirt Coach Zimmer owns, and it was a free giveaway for buying 10 packs of redman at the local gas station.

The “Pete Carrol’s Wet Dream” Award – Sean McDermott And Dan Quinn 

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Pete Carroll missed picture day because he knew being this close to two bald white guys would cause a serious tampering issue going forward. Also shout out to Dan Quinn for dressing like he’s going to a funeral then immediately to his job passing out appetizers at a banquet hall then heading directly to his other job as a bouncer at an upscale nightclub where he pretends he’s in the secret service and not someone who has to clean puke out of the bathroom every weekend night/


The “I’m about to draft a quarterback so they can’t fire me for at least 2 more years” Award – Todd Bowles

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Todd Bowles going with the no iron shirt that is 2 sizes too big. That’s the look of a man that just traded up into job security.

The “I’m only in Vegas for a work Convention” Award – Bill O’Brien

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Oversized collars, work jeans, and a lanyard still around his neck so that he can get back to his booth pitching the latest technology in concrete without security bothering him. Bill O’Brien looks like every guy that goes to Vegas for a work trip and is forced to look “casual”.

The “could still play and give you 8-10 tackles a game” award – Mike Vrabel

 

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I’m not not writing this because Coach Vrabel is a friend of the program and could kick all of our asses. Looking great Coach Vrabel!

The “Best Coach in the NFL, what an awesome hire, the Bears are back” Award – Matt Nagy

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Nailed it.

Sidenote – Here’s what I wrote about previous winner, Marc Trestman. Yup, nailed that one too.

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The “Gruden Sandwich” Award – Mike Tomlin

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Mike Tomlin stuck smack dab in the middle of a bunch of “check it out mans”. This may age him more than LeVeon Bell’s contract. Also Jon Gruden is sneaky close to needing a bra. I’d never say it to his face because I love him, but I have no problem typing it out here like the coward that I am.

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The “Ask me if I read books because I wouldn’t be wearing this sweater if I didn’t” Award – 

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Andy Reid spit up BBQ sauce and he wasn’t even eating any when he saw Anthony Lynn stroll in with a Mr Rogers special. That sweater costs more than Mike Zimmer’s entire closet.

The “Mr Steal Yo Girl” Award – Sean McVay 

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Little too good looking for my taste but he’s clearly dominating. Also the spectrum of no sock wearers is a wide one.

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The “It’s time we start talking about your life insurance package” award – Doug Marrone

 

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Half Football Coach, half estate planner for Principal Financial that would like to ask you the hard questions about your 401k. Doug Marrone looks like a guy that hands you his business card within 3 minutes of meeting him.

The “Happy Jerry Jones forgot to fire me at the end of the season for the 7th year in a row” Award – Jason Garrett 

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The only smiler in the entire crew. Just happy to be a part of the brotherhood. Don’t tell Jerry I’m still the Coach, he’s distracted trying to create a shadow government to overthrow Roger Goodell.

The “Awe in at the size of this lad, absolute unit” Award – Matt Patricia

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Poor Matt Patricia. He got absolutely hosed by the alternate angle picture. As a guy who has taken his fair share of bad angle pictures this just isn’t fair. Yes he’s wearing Tracy McGrady’s pants. And yes he’s also wearing a XXXL Guy Fieri knock off shirt. And yes putting him next to Mike Vrabel was the equivalent of the hot girl forcing her bigger friends to be in every Instagram picture. But the point remains, Matt Patricia didn’t deserve this, and I stand with him in his struggle to defeat bad angles.

Last But not Least

The “I miss Jeff Fisher so here’s a picture of Jeff Fisher looking like your mom’s “friend” Jeff who just got done fucking her while you played playstation downstairs, listening to everything”

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“Hey sport, here’s 10 bucks from your Uncle Jeff, go buy something at the store while me and your mom 69 on the kitchen floor”

Until Next Year.