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My Weekend In Vegas by Tommy Smokes

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Editor’s Note:  Tommy Smokes sent me a 6 page Word document from the Vegas airport last night.  Here are his unedited thoughts. 


Greetings,

It’s Tommy Smokes. I am currently sitting in the Vegas airport next to a Chili’s as I wait for my red eye flight to the Bahamas through Newark for Spring Break. My trip got cut to only a day as I’ll leave Tuesday, but I am certainly not complaining about anything. As I wait, I figured I would mess around and maybe make my blogging debut to recap a wild #DP41 weekend. I keep a log of what I do each day on a Google doc anyway (as I’ve said, I’m on the spectrum), so figured I might as well share it with the world.

Friday

I ordered an Uber nice and early so I could get to JFK in plenty of time for my flight. I’m a big believer in the unwritten rule of arriving two hours before your flight leaves. Heck, I got to the Vegas airport 6 hours early today. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks like me. A lady in front of me on the security line was freaking out because she couldn’t cut the line. It was 9:00 AM. Her flight was 9:43 AM. Maybe get to the airport earlier than 13 minutes before you’re supposed to board and you wouldn’t have this problem. Anyway, they did let her go, but I hope she missed it anyway.

Got through security and had plenty of time for a nice little breakfast. Bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant from McDonald’s. I’ve long maintained that McDonald’s has the best breakfast around and would even prefer it over a diner breakfast. Diners: jack of all trades, master of none. Don’t forget that. I joined the rest of the crew at the gate as we got worried that Clem was going to miss the flight, but thankfully he arrived just in time.

As for the flight itself, switching to an aisle seat was obviously huge. I’ve talked about how bad my bladder is. Used to go like 20x a day. Been to a urologist and everything (shoutout Dr. Barry Sheppard). I’ve been off my pill for awhile now and knew it was a long flight, so didn’t want to make people get up. Pretty selfless by me. I ended up going 3 times, not terrible. On the walk back from second leak, I accidentally bumped into this guy’s shoulder who was sitting in the aisle. He was not a happy camper. He also had the most desirable seat on the plane as he was in the same row as Zah and Clem.

Now typically on flights, I just listen to music and stare at the flight tracker or try to take a nap between pisses, but this flight was different. The Hangover was available as in-flight entertainment and I had to watch it before my first Vegas trip to prepare myself. After the movie, I even tried to time it perfectly so I would be listening to “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” or “Live Your Life” as I got my first overhead view of the Vegas Strip, but I ended up not seeing it and just hurt my neck a little bit trying to look. Other than that, my only complaint about the flight is I think the lady next to me farted a few times. But hey, I farted a few times too, so who am I judge?

We arrived at the MGM and headed up to the suite where Dave was staying. Official review: it was very nice. Dave gave me a hug and told me bring him home some winners this weekend, and boy, would I ever.

We headed down to the sports bar to watch Clemson-Kansas and Villanova-WVU. Dave had Clemson first half and game, and West Virginia first half and the first half over. (I think these are right, there were a lot of bets and it was hard to keep track). I told him I hated the Clemson pick and wouldn’t want to be blamed if he misses. He did lose the Clemson first half bet, but after that, it was wins on top of wins. West Virginia first half won. First half over won. We even won a Pacers-Clippers first half bet as we watched the gamecast on his iPhone.

The sports bar was rather underwhelming considering the game commentary was constantly interrupted by the girls working the roulette table saying “Black 22” or whatever it was, after every spin. So we all went back up the suite….and the wins kept coming.

He won some NBA bets, and then came the big one. Clemson was down by 20 points in the second half, yet they came back to cover +5. They trimmed it to 4 with 4 seconds left and for some reason, they didn’t foul Kansas and let the clock run out. It was celebration time (even though I had $20 on Kansas)

I had to give ‘em the Jordan shrug. It was too easy

Next up, Pacers -3.5 against the Clippers. Was tied with like a minute left, but of course, we pulled it out. On to hockey, Dave had Devils +180 against the Penguins. The Devils led 3-1 at one point, but they went to overtime at 3-3. So what did we do? Me and Dave sat on a couch in a presidential suite at the MGM Grand and listened to the radio call of a hockey game on some website through Dave’s phone. Stoolie Taylor Hall delivered with a game winning goal. That made us 7-1.

It was time for a break. I needed to settle my stuff in my room and get ready for the night. I tried to iron my shirt and failed miserably. As I struggled, Dave was apparently losing bets upstairs.

I saw the tweets and ran up. He had Texas Tech +0.5 for the first half against Purdue. It was 25-20 Purdue when I arrived. A quick 10-0 run for Tech made it 30-25 at half.

I believe he then split out the rest of Duke-Syracuse and Villanova-WVU. One bet was left- the Texas Tech-Purdue over. It looked hopeless all game but a second half scoring surge got it done. Oh, and Texas Tech covered. Winners all around. At that point, I’m pretty sure I had won Dave like $150,000 so it was time for my gift.

He threw me over the package and said “This is for you.” I kind of expected it to be a bag of cash, but it was even better. After struggling mightily to get it open, I finally got it.

Maybe the best gift I’ve ever received. Felt like a kid getting a puppy on Christmas morning, but better. He had it overnighted from Welker the night before just in case we got hot.

Now, back in January, Dave had said he like that I had a weird, unique brain and thought I could be a fit for his team. I was in the training program. Well, after one huge Sal Pal mess up at Radio Row, I was out of the training program.

I was like legitimately devastated over it and sad for like a week. But I knew I’d bounce back, and thankfully I did. Now if Dave ever goes on a cold streak with me, we’ll have to see what happens, but I’m not giving up that damn jumpsuit.

Anyway, Friday night was off to the club at Caesar’s for Calvin Harris. First, we got some supper. Me and Buddha Ben went rogue and ordered some octopus for appetizers. He didn’t like it. I did. I also ordered a Manhattan for the first time out of curiosity and did not care for it one bit.

We got to the club and it was a pretty surreal experience. Getting escorted in and having it all set up for Barstool was unreal. I’m usually not a club person because I hate standing up but I didn’t hate sitting at our private table.

Best part of the night was a guy escorting me to the bathroom whenever I needed to go. I would bet good money I’m the least important person he has ever dealt with.

As for the club itself, well it was a wild crew that did not disappoint.

Saturday

Despite the rumors on the Internet and people trying to tear us apart, me and Frankie get along well and are now teammates on the strongest team in the world. So we tried to start the day off with lunch at the buffet, but they wouldn’t let us charge it to our rooms since they weren’t in our names. Frustrating! We were not spending $80 on a meal so we headed to the Wet Republic pool party on empty stomachs.

When we got there, they made me take my Fordham basketball jersey off, which was an absurd move. Apparently you can’t wear jerseys to Vegas pool parties because of gang relations. Does this look like a crew that is in a gang?

As for the pool party itself, well…….. It wasn’t the worst day of my life

And despite what some videos would have you believe, I was in much better shape than it appeared. I have no idea why my face looked like it was punched. Could’ve been from when Dave grabbed me and kissed me after we won the Avalanche bet.

Worst part of the day was that I lost my slides somewhere, and also forgot my basketball jersey at the pool.

Me and this god damn buffet were just not meant to be, apparently.

As this was happening, Dave won another bet, the over in Loyola-Kansas St. A bet I actually told him to take. A lot of people have been asking for my picks, but that’s not really how it works. I am not a great handicapper at all. But when I’m next to Dave his picks become unbeatable. This was a rare exception of a Tommy Smokes tip.

As a reward, we went down to the high roller blackjack room. We started off with $4,100 and played next to each other. He was winning more than I was, which was fine because we were in it together. We were grinding for awhile and got to $3,700, so down $400. I told him I had a good feeling about this next hand and to go all in. I’d sit out and he’d play. We had 20 on the deal and the dealer had 17. And boom just like that, a $7,400 payout. Dave took $4,100 to cover his initial investment and gave me the rest. He is a good boss.

Then, it was off to the club at MGM to finish the night off. No getting escorted to the bathroom this time, which was very disappointing.

I woke up this morning (Sunday) feeling surprising well and to a DM and follow from Johnny Manziel.

What a world. Everyone else left earlier for a 1 PM flight so I was alone in Vegas. I played some blackjack and roulette, and shared a table with this crew of Australian guys who kept saying “Cheers” and calling me “mate.” It was cool. I then headed to the airport 6 hours early because…. well I don’t really know why.

Now, I’m about to scoff down some Chili’s and hop on my flights. Some guy told me I could skip the security line if I went with him to this booth. Basically he took my fingerprints and ID and then said they needed a credit card on file, even though it was supposed to be free. That’s when I knew I had made a huge mistake and got out. I still fully expect to have my identity stolen/be falsely charged with murder in the near future. On top of that, I’m feeling pretty congested so probably will have a lot of pain in my ears, I get that a lot when flying because I’m just generally not a well person.

So that’ll do it for #DP41. A sincere thank you to Dave, Gaz, Louis, Frankie, Clem, Hank, Zah, Buddha Ben, Bud Light, MGM, and everyone else who made this weekend unforgettable. It was rather fun. Going from VIP Vegas clubs to Bronx dive bars back at Fordham will be a sobering experience. And I appreciate all the Stoolies support, even everyone who makes fun of my nose. I am a common man who was fortunate enough to have a pretty uncommon weekend. The rise of Tommy Smokes has been quite the ride, now I will do my best to #stayhumble and make sure we don’t have a 30 for 30 on my fall.

Sincerely,

Smokes

PS
Hey Sister Jean, I’m coming for that ass