Zlatan Ibrahimovic Proved Why He's My Favorite Athlete In The World With His Announcement That He's Coming To The MLS

I’m not sure a ton of Stoolies have heard of Zlatan but let me tell you, he’s a beautiful treasure. I’ve never really seen him play soccer, maybe once or twice I can’t really recall, but he’s still one of my favorite athletes walking this earth. Why? Because he’s the cockiest son of a bitch who has ever breathed air. He talks that shit. Zlatan makes Dave Portnoy look like an extraordinarily humble and gracious human being, as you can see from his announcement that he’s joining the LA Galaxy simply being “Dear Los Angeles, You’re Welcome.”

European athletes are the fucking best. They’re way more fun than their North American counterparts because they haven’t spent their entire childhoods being beaten over the heads with “Play for the name on the front, not the name on the back!” mantras. They haven’t been told to act like they’ve been there before and respect your opponent and all that bullshit. You see it in hockey with the European players and you see it in baseball with the Latino players, they play the sport and talk shit and have fun doing it. Alexander Ovechkin doesn’t score a goal and give a teammate a high five then get back to the face-off dot, he celebrates every goal like it’s both his first and last. Jose Bautista doesn’t hit a home run then sprint around the bases, he throws the bat to Mars then soaks up the crowd’s applause before deciding he guesses it’s time to get going.

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Zlatan is guys like that on fucking steroids. Don’t believe me? Here are just some of his best quotes…

“I can’t help but laugh at how perfect I am.”

“First I went left; he did too. Then I went right and he did too. Then I went left again and he went to buy a hot dog.”
– On how he twisted Liverpool defender Stephane Henchoz inside-out.

“What do you mean, ‘present?’ She got Zlatan.”
– On his ex-girlfriend’s engagement gift.

“We’re looking for an apartment. If we don’t find anything, then I’ll probably just buy the hotel.”
– At his unveiling as a Paris Saint-Germain player.

“It’s true I don’t know much about the players here, but they definitely know who I am.”

“There was the thought that this would send me into retirement. I sent their entire country into retirement.”
– After scoring twice to qualify Sweden for Euro 2016 over Denmark.

“I don’t believe they can change the Eiffel Tower for my statue, even the people behind the club. But if they can, I will stay here — I promise you.”
– On his future with PSG.

Zlatan: “Only God knows who will go through.”
Reporter: “It’s hard to ask him.”
Zlatan: “You’re talking to him.”

“Absolutely not. I have ordered a plane. It is much faster.”
– On rumours that he bought a Porsche.

“I haven’t met her yet. But when I do, I’ll date her.”
– His response when asked to name the world’s most beautiful woman.

Dude is a KING. And now he’s coming to America so I’m gonna pretend to be excited about the MLS for the next 15 seconds and then I will go back to being normal. But still, Zlatan is the man.