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Why Aren't Pre-Natal Benders AKA #DadchelorParties More of A Thing??

WRITER’S NOTE: I am not married nor have kids so may not know what I’m talking about. 

This is something that’s been on my mind for a while and Clem winning the trip to Vegas when his wife is expecting a baby soon brought it back to my attention. Almost every Western culture has some sort of bachelor party whether it be a stag do in the UK or a buck’s night in Australia, but as far as I can gather, raging before the birth of your child, a pre-natal bender if you will, isn’t a cultural tradition anywhere in the world. There is no reason your pre-marriage party should be put on a pedestal while pre-child birth parties are non-existent. This isn’t the 1900s where you’d have to live with your parents until you found a spouse and got hitched. Every married guy I know was already living with his wife before popping the question and had known her for years prior (if you ask a girl to marry you before living with her you’re an IDIOT IMHO). Case in point, your life before and after marriage isn’t going to change THAT much (except for maybe a little less sex). I’ve never met a guy who was like “Ya my girlfriend doesn’t mind if I chase a little strange from time to time but once we tie the knot I have to stop.” I’ve also never met a wife who has been like “Remember Carl, this weekend is your bachelor party which means I’m fine with you eating a stranger’s butt as long as it doesn’t get back to me.”

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On the other hand, once you have a kid your life changes drastically forever (or at least it should). When you’re married without kids and end up in bed all Sunday with a brutal hangover, you may have to deal with your wife’s disappointment/buyer’s remorse but she’ll be over it by Tuesday. With a kid, if you’re in bed all Sunday with a brutal hangover and forget to change the kid’s diaper or can’t go out and play with them in the yard, you’re just a shitty Dad who will probably end up raising a shitty kid. Without kids, feel free to sit at a bar every Saturday and Sunday of the Fall watching football. With kids, sit at a bar all weekend watching football and run the risk of forgetting to pick your kid up at Soccer practice. He’ll wait at the field for hours in tears while his smug coach pats him on the back and  tries to comfort him. 

“Don’t worry Ricky. You’re Dad’s just a drunk…or a degenerate gambler. My guess is probably both. It’s not your fault though.”

Not an ideal situation.

This is why I think it should be mandatory for every man to go on a pre-natal bender before the birth of their first kid. Not just one wild night either, I’m talking a full fledged 3-5 day Hunter S. Thompson-esque bender where you can get completely Gonzo-jounralismed off your face.  It’s the perfect opportunity to get nefarious activities out of your system while it can still be written off as just “guys being dudes” and not “guys being horrible fathers” since your wife hasn’t given birth yet. Pre-natal benders will lead to better fathers in the long run, trust me. 

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I’ve mentioned this proposal to a few friends of mine who have kids and one of their critiques was that the date your wife gives birth isn’t an exact science. One guy was on a golf trip when his wife went into labor two weeks early. He ended up arriving at the hospital absolutely hammered and his wife still hasn’t fully forgiven him. I guess we all can’t be as smooth as The Mooch and just drop our wife a text saying “Congratulations, I’ll pray for our child” if we can’t make the kid’s delivery. Another critique they had was that a very pregnant wife can be quite high strung and emotionally fragile and may not necessarily appreciate you going on a “tear with the boys” while she struggles to carry the human being you put inside her to the finish line. My solution to both critiques, make the pre-natal bender strictly a first trimester thing. Either have your pre-natal bender during your wife’s first trimester or don’t have one(unless you win a trip to Vegas, then you need to go regardless). In the first trimester there’s pretty much* zero chance your wife gives birth and it’s also before she becomes uncomfortably pregnant so you don’t have to feel too guilty about leaving her for the weekend. Boom. Perfect solution. 1st Trimester Pre-Natal Benders for everyone!

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*If your wife gives birth in the first trimester it means she either had an abortion or a miscarriage. Either way your baby is dead… Thought that little tidbit didn’t quite match the lighthearted nature of the blog so threw it down here. Sorry if you’re depressed now.