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The Annual Chicago St Patrick's Day Police Blotter Recap

Apologies for being late on this. Had to fly to Indy today for Pat’s new gameshow. As always thanks to the guys at CWB Chicago. They do an awesome job, give them your clicks. 

Alright let’s get to it. Dispatch in bold, my comments in regular font. I miss Chicago every single day but it’s especially bad on St Patrick’s Day. Nothing like an entire city getting black out drunk at the same exact time. Here we go.

 

9:55 AM — Dispatcher: “[Sigh] Oh, they’re dropping already. Can you head over to 500 West Madison for the female passed out in the food court?”

My favorite part about St Patrick’s Day in Chicago is the race to see who can black out the earliest. You wake up at 7 am, you start drinking by 8, and someone’s girlfriend is face down in her own green vomit by 10 am ruining everyone’s morning. The image is seared into my brain. Probably has a jean jacket, a CHI-IRISH shirt, and car bomb stains all over her face while burping up the phrase “I can drink any of you under the table”. Great start!

10:12 AM — Dearborn and Randolph. People are climbing on the CTA bus.

Doesn’t matter if it’s in or on the bus, you know people are blacked out when they’re willingly riding the CTA bus in any capacity on the weekend. That is not the actions of a sober person.

10:40 AM — “Complainant says a male white in an orange hat and green jacket just punched him, took his hat off, and threw it.” Illinois and Columbus.

I love people who call the police on St Patrick’s Day and say “yeah a white guy in green did something wrong”. It’s like the Where’s Waldo final level where everyone is dressed like Waldo. The Chicago Police will totally arrest that drunk white dude in green, they’re totally on the case guys!

10:42 AM — Wrigleyville police commander: “Did I ever tell you how much I hate the color green?”

See above

11:32 AM — CTA says people are throwing beads at passing trains. 900 block of Wellington.

One of my favorite stretch of bars in Chicago. Mad River to feel like you’re in College, Kirkwoods to feel like you’re right out of college, and Vaughans to be in your late 20’s/early 30’s judging everyone in the other two bars while you eat pretzel rods and battle heartburn. Such a shame Uncle Fatty’s closed down to complete the cycle.

11:42 AM — “They’re throwing bottles by the Channel 7 van.”

SOMEONE SAVE GIANGRECO!

12:29 PM — Request for crime scene tape to keep people away from City Winery.

City Winery is the new bar on the Chicago River, down below Wacker. The place that used to basically be Gotham City where homeless people lived and there were no laws. I’m just happy that a place named “City Winery” that clearly was made to class up the joint still can’t survive St Patrick’s Day.

12:44 PM — EMS rolling for a 15-year-old male who’s passed out drunk. Jackson/Wabash.

Spinzone. A 15 year old making it past noon is a heroic effort. Have to imagine he drank an entire fifth of Jameson on the Metra at 8 am.

1:18 PM — It’s too close to call officially, but it appears that Wrigleyville had its first arrest of the day before downtown did. The honoree is hauled away from Deuces and The Diamond Club, 3505 North Clark.

So the first arrest was this guy from Saturday.

I don’t know what you have to do to get kicked out of a bar that severely, other than spending your St Patrick’s day at Deuces and Diamonds, that alone is worthy of the boot.

1:36 PM — Male hit with a bottle by the Lincoln Statue. Dispatcher: “This is a male, right? Cuz we had a female before. I wanna make sure it’s not a dupe” It’s not a dupe. “He’s right across from the Channel 7 News van, bleeding from the head.”
Not a great sign when you have multiple people getting bottled to the point the police have to double check that this isn’t the same person that got bottled 20 minutes ago.

1:36 PM — Back in Lakeview: “Oakdale and Sheffield. The residents are complaining because there’s tons of intoxicated people vomiting on their lawn.”

 

Nothing cracks me up more than people who buy homes in Lakeview right next to a bunch of bars and then are shocked when people puke on their front lawn on St Patrick’s Day. You can’t have all the benefits of living in the City if you aren’t able to deal with a little green puke once a year. Dems da breaks.

Throwing my favorite video from last year in. The slow mo fist fight.

2:27 PM — Lakeview. 2900 block of North Sheffield. “The condo president is receiving calls from tenants about a disruptive party. There’s underage drinking, public urination, marijuana smoking, destruction of property and much more.”

 

I’d love to interview the person who calls the landlord on St Patrick’s Day about marijuana smoke. What happened in your life to arrive at that point? That’s narcing on a different level. If All Business Pete and Toby Flenderson had a baby even that kid would be like, eh, it’s St Patrick’s Day, let the kids smoke.

3:24 PM — “Getting a call of a disturbance at Sheffield and Wolfram. Anonymous caller says two females are trying to make out in front of him. Caller says he’ll be out front waiting for the police.”

I spoke too soon. THIS is the worst Narc of all time. 2 women trying to kiss, call 911!

3:29 PM — Person with a gun. Male white, green jacket pulled a gun from his backpack near Michigan and Monroe. Suspect is immediately taken into custody in front of the Chicago Athletic Association Hotel. Firearm recovered. Arrest #6 for downtown.

Glad they finally found the white guy in the green from earlier in the day. The city is now safe.

3:35 PM — That Lakeview condo board president is calling again. The partiers are “having sex in the courtyard and they want the police to respond again.”

I honestly think condo board presidents are the worst people on Earth. They’re like mall cops without a mall. They’re the ultimate rule followers. They’re the kid growing up that would remind the teacher she forgot to assign homework. Then they get older, went through College without touching a boob, bought a condo at 23 because it’s a “responsible investment” with great tax savings, and spent the rest of their life hoping people have sex in the courtyard so they can call the police (only after masturbating to the strangers having sex because they don’t know what youjizz is).

4:42 PM — State and Illinois. “We got a female white who fell and hit her face on a pole.” Dispatcher: “Oh, my! Is she intoxicated?”

The scariest person on St Patrick’s Day. The girl in the group that gets the jello legs and demands attention from 10 people to get her home. Like a 2 year old on the loose, doesn’t understand english and exists solely to slam her head on random objects.

5:35 PM — Report: “There’s a leaky bag at Trump Tower. No lights, wires, or markings.”

We’re calling the police about Franzia now?

5:45 PM — At 1160 South Michigan, there’s a male white, green jacket, green jeans and green smudges on his face trying to break into a condo.

 

This fucking guy again!

6:08 PM — Caller wants to see the police at 324 West Chicago. She says “they physically threw her out of the bar.” She’ll be wearing green leggings, a green skirt, and a green shirt.

 

Our first “My dad is a partner at Kirkland and Ellis and we’ll sue you” call of the day.

6:24 PM — 900 block of Fletcher: Male in a jacket and jeans. “He’s drinking, smoking, and taking pleasures with himself.”

 

The Condo President went out for a smoke.

6:32 PM — “A male drunk with a gash on his head walked into their apartment, went into the roommate’s bedroom and fell asleep. They don’t know the guy.” State and 8th.

This is definitely the guy from the top of the blog that tried to smash his face on the storefront window. He and his girlfriend kept fighting, he left her apartment, did a bunch of shots of Jamo with his buddies at the bar, then walked into a random apartment and passed out. It could happen to anyone, who am I to judge?

6:44 PM — “Caller says the male is dancing on a table at Roy’s, urinating on the side of the restaurant.” #Hawaiirish

Baller move to get black out drunk and then go to a reasonably expensive restaurant. What’s the bet this guy has like 3 kids and this was his one night out a year and he totally blew it by getting arrested. Called up his bros for a little throwback the clock day and ended up in the drunk tank. You may still be hungover but you’re not in the worst doghouse of all time like this guy.

8:28PM — Footchase! One in custody behind HVAC in Wrigleyville! That’s #6 for the North Siders.

How we ended a St Patrick’s day police blotter with no fistfights outside of Sluggers is beyond me. I hope this isn’t Ricketts new Wrigleyville. So soft. Sad!