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Gronk Crashes a Bachelor Party in a Leprechaun Costume and Says He'll Play for the 69ers


At some point over my St. Paddy’s weekend, while I was floating to the land of Tir na nOg on the soft, downy foam of a thousand Guinnesses, I got a text from a who’s brother was at this same bar in Nashville, along with a photo of Rob Gronkowski in this same get up. According to this guy, his brother told Gronk to play three more years, and apparently Gronk just smirked. But in fairness, he was pretty black out and it’s probably not wise to look too deep into anything any man says while he’s in the middle of celebrating Irish Christmas. I’m sure that while Gronk was being grilled by Patriots fans in Tennessee, I was climbing the ladder of my Levels of Drunkenness, probably somewhere between “Happy Crying” and “Possessing Godlike Powers.” So take anything he (or I) say at a time like that in the spirit it’s intended.

But if you’re going to play it cute about this whole retirement dance, if you’re really going to go all Hamlet on us, like Brett Favre: The Next Generation, then telling people you’re going to play for the 69ers is just about perfect. It deflects the question without telling your fans to fuck off. It’s what passes for “witty” when you’re Rob Gronkowski. And it’s factually accurate since whether he’s catching Tom Brady passes or slamming heads into turnbuckles six months from now, the one thing we know to a moral certainty is he will, in fact, be spending his off time playing for, and with, 69ers.

As to what is actually goddamned going on with his future, no one knows a subatomic particle more than they did when he was first asked about it right after the loss to Philly. I tried not to read anything into his comments then and  over the weekend with a grain of salt.

But I do happen to believe in the philosophy that what people say when they’re drunk is closer to the truth than what they say sober. In Latin it’s In vino veritas, “In wine, there is truth.” So if a guy at his own bachelor party Tweets that he overheard Gronk in a Leprechaun hat and beard drunkenly tell some Pats fans in the next booth he is NOT retiring, that’s all the proof I need. Gronk WILL be back, or I’ll never trust a word that comes out the mouth of a guy in a bar on St. Paddy’s again.