Donald Trump Jr. Is Finally Ready To Be The Next Bachelor
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News broke yesterday that America’s couple was finally splitting up. No, Laura Dern and Baron Davis are still together, I’m talking about Donald Jr. and Vanessa Trump. The President’s greasier son and his wife have finally decided to call it quits after a 13-year journey that saw them rise from the slums of Mar-A-Lago to a key advisory role for the most powerful man in the world.
If Eric inherited Donald’s propensity for shameless marketing and relentless self-promotion, Donald Jr. was gifted with his father’s knack for social media and fondness for retweeting accounts like DeplorablePepe69. His love of Twitter allegedly played a part in his wife’s request for a divorce, which makes him, if anything, the most relatable of all the Trumps.
Now that he is no longer shackled by the constraints of marriage, Donald Jr. is finally free to step into the role that he was born to play. All his life, he has lived in the shadow of his overbearing father and slightly better-spoken and less inbred brother Eric. Donald Jr. is finally ready to give the women of the world what they have been clamoring for the better part of two decades and become America’s next Bachelor.
The Bachelor has been lacking in leading beaus who can capture America’s imagination. For too long, they have put forward tall, handsome real estate attorneys and marketing execs who bear little resemblance to the average American male. In Don Jr. we’d finally have a Bachelor that every woman could imagine sending them a “u up?” text at 2:30 am and DMing local Instagram models on the side because they were “just being friendly.”
Don. Jr would be a new type of Bachelor, one who would defy the usual conventions of what has become one of America’s most popular television series. His Instagrams with Don King and Sheriff David Clarke prove how Not Racist he is, making him a welcome respite for a show that has been derided for not having proper representation of women of color.
America suffered through the Obama children embarrassing the country for eight years, engaging in shameful behavior like smoking weed that left a stain on this once great nation. It’s time that we once again have some Presidential progeny that we can truly be proud of. Watching Don Jr. make out with LA fitness instructors in a dimly lit hot tub will prove to Americans that they now have a First Family they can aspire to be.
It’s no secret that Eric has gotten the greater share of Donald’s love over the past few years. While Eric has been chosen to represent the President on Fox & Friends and build the case for the Trump agenda, Don. Jr has been relegated to doing Twitch streams with Breitbart commenters and having sleepovers with conservative campus warriors like Charlie Kirk. As the Bachelor, he would become America’s leading reality television star and finally assume a position worthy of Donald’s respect.
For too long, the media has attempt to mock and deride the Trump Presidency. With Don. Jr headlining one of the country’s top-rated shows, America would be forced to stop treating the Trump family like a joke and finally recognize that they are serious about making America great again.