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Stephen F. Austin Coach Says They Lost Because His Team Has Too Many Millennials

Stephen F. Austin v Texas Tech

THE WASHINGTON POSTApparently, you can add Stephen F. Austin Team 2017-18 to the long list of things that millennials have ruined.

The 14th-seeded Lumberjacks’ upset bid of third-seeded Texas Tech fell apart in the second half of a 70-60 NCAA tournament loss Thursday in Dallas. They led by eight early in the second half and held that lead until four minutes remained, when the wheels fell off. Stephen F. Austin would score two more points the rest of the game.

Coach Kyle Keller was understandably upset at this turn of events, and he blamed millennials. His team of college students is lousy with them, apparently.

“The millennials today, they don’t even watch college basketball,’’ he said after the game, per USA Today. “A lot of our guys didn’t even know who those cats [Texas Tech players] were because they don’t watch the game. They’re on their phone and doing that kind of stuff.

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HOOK ME UP TO AN IV AND FEED THESE TAKES DIRECTLY INTO MY VEINS.

“The millennials today, they don’t even watch college basketball,’’ he said after the game, per USA Today. “A lot of our guys didn’t even know who those cats [Texas Tech players] were because they don’t watch the game. They’re on their phone and doing that kind of stuff.

“I hate to say it, but as much as you or I or anybody in here watches the games, they don’t. Or the NBA. They might watch the slam-dunk contest in February on TNT or whatever, but that’s about the extent of it.”

“If I don’t read it and study it and learn and try to figure these kids out, I have no chance to coach. … Because the way I was taught as a child was, ‘Hey, you are going to eat what is on your plate, if not, you’re going to sit here.’ I had to sit at the kitchen table one Saturday afternoon because I didn’t want to eat green beans or salmon patties.

“So we have a lot of green beans on our team meals, and I tell that story to our guys. But you have to adjust. You’d better learn to give and some take with these kids, I think.’’

You hate to see it. You hate to see millennials ruin college basketball. You hate to see a guy who signed up to coach 18-21 year old basketball players end up with too many 18-21 year old basketball players. Never even stood a chance with a roster like that. All their Twit Machines and Facemajiggles.  Nobody wants to play defense when the only slides they’re worried about are the DMs of sorority girls.

You gotta read this part again.  It’s so good.

“If I don’t read it and study it and learn and try to figure these kids out, I have no chance to coach. … Because the way I was taught as a child was, ‘Hey, you are going to eat what is on your plate, if not, you’re going to sit here.’ I had to sit at the kitchen table one Saturday afternoon because I didn’t want to eat green beans or salmon patties.

That is no joke the oldest, whitest old white guy thing to say, ever.  Green beans and salmon patties.

Amazing.

I fucking love old people who hate millennials.