A Guy Stole 46 Cans Of Corned Beef And I Really Wanna Know What He Did With It

HAGATNA, Guam — A 35-year-old man on Guam has been charged with retail fraud for allegations that he stole two cases and 46 cans of corned beef from a market. The Pacific Daily News reported Thursday that two New Asan Beach Market store employees said they saw the man leaving with multiple cans of corned beef on Feb. 27. Court documents say the employees saw the man re-enter the store later in the day. The employees say they confronted the man, at which point he ran and escaped. An employee wrote down the license plate number of the car he was in and police tracked it down. Police say the vehicle had been involved in another theft case. Officers arrested the man.

The easy answer is that he ate all of it. That’s not the right answer though. There’s no way it’s that simple. It can’t be. If you think he ate all of that corned beef then you are a simpleton. You don’t steal 46 cans of corned beef and use it for what it’s intended for. There’s gotta be more to the story.

Remember this Tooth Fairy scene from Family Guy?

That’s immediately what came to mind when I saw this story. That’s more the level we’re dealing with here. This dude has gotta be a FREAK. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if that guy poured all of the corned beef on his apartment and rolled around in it. That’s probably the least weird thing he could do with 46 cans of corned beef. If his mind was crazy enough to be like, “Yeah let’s do it. Let’s steal 46 cans of corned beef. That’s gonna be a blast” then there’s no limit to the weird possibilities of what he did with it.

You know what I would steal 46 cans of and actually eat? Corned beef hash. I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE corned beef hash. It’s God’s gift to this earth. I’m on this stupid diet where I eat right and work out all the time and every day I just wanna throw it all away and eat corned beef hash in my bed. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.