Tex Is Currently Trapped In A Parking Garage In New Jersey, Has Been Stuck There For 3 Hours

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A lot of people have asked me if Tex is playing some sort of character. If he’s actually how he appears on Stool Scenes or if he’s just laying it on thick. Let me say this loud and clear: if Tex has been doing a bit this entire time he’s got an Andy Kaufman level of commitment to this role and he’s also the greatest actor ever of all time. So when I log onto the Twitter machine and see that Tex was trying to break into a desolate baseball field in Newark, New Jersey, I don’t ask questions like, “Why was he trying to break into an empty ball field” or “How did he get trapped in a seemingly abandoned parking garage” because I’d be wasting time. The answer to both of those questions is, “Because it’s Tex.”

It’s been an hour since his initial tweet saying he had been trapped in there for two hours. THREE hours spent on a recon mission to find a way to break into this impenetrable fortress of a baseball field in Newark, New Jersey. Instead of breaking into the field, he’s caught like a fly in a spiderweb of a parking garage. Fucking Tex, man. There are no less than two emergency exits in that parking garage. I’ve never been to this specific parking garage in my entire life and I’m willing to bet that to be true. Somehow Tex found the least trafficked garage on the planet considering he’s been the only living being inside of it for THREE HOURS.

Again, there’s a zero percent chance this is a bit. He has no camera crew with him. I’m willing to wager his phone battery is very low. If he doesn’t get those blankets Tex may well succumb to the harsh winter of New Jersey on this very night. Please, if you’re reading this and live in the Newark area, bring Tex some blankets, a thermos with some cocoa, and some food. Maybe a Mophie so he can recharge his phone and tweet his experiences and sporadic thoughts throughout the night. I’m not too concerned with him being freed just yet. Someone will be there in the morning I assume, let’s just ride this out while we still can.

UPDATE – Tex has procured a ladder.

FINAL UPDATE – FREEDOM VIA LADDER!

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Wait a minute, what?

You know what, sure. Why not.