Would Lebron James Be A Better Acrobat Than Red Panda If He Grew Up With A Unicycle Instead Of A Basketball?

I saw Red Panda perform live recently for the first time in my life. I’ve been aware of her act for a while now. She’s always on ESPN and Instagram and it seems like she’s been doing the halftime show for every sporting event in the US and Canada. Much like the circus, the difficulty of what she does cannot truly be appreciated until you’re sitting in the second level of Madison Square Garden nursing your 7th drink and covered in little pieces of popcorn (while also hoping that St Johns comes out of the half strong and covers the spread).

It looks cool on TV, but have you ever seen someone on a unicycle in real life with your own eyes? That shit looks crazy enough as is. Add in some flying bowls and what you have on your hands is literally the perfect halftime show. I know I’m not the first (or last) person with this take, but it still needs to be said. The music that she chooses is mesmerizing and it draws you in and then her acrobatic feats are just so fucking captivating! Part of it is no doubt driven by humanity’s thirst for watching other people fail, but even that drives the nature of what makes Red Panda so amazing; she’s so good at what she does that she rarely fails. No matter how many times you’ve watched a clip of her act, you’re still blown away when you watch her do it next time.

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I sat in my seat for the entire performance in awe. Was I drunk? Sure. Is that cool? Undoubtedly, but it doesn’t matter. This isn’t about me. She’s the real deal. When my companions returned from the bathroom and caught the end of the show, they too were in awe of what she was doing. She truly energized the entire arena.

Soon, even our discussions were focused on Red Panda. How did Red Panda learn that she could do this? Like I get unicycling in that sense. It’s a known circus trick. Kids like that kinda stuff. So little Red Panda asked her parents for a unicycle and got pretty good at it. Cool. That sounds fun. But juggling bowls while unicycling? That’s just too random to happen organically. Obviously, at some point Red Panda decided to add something unique to her unicycle act in order to stand out. She trained and trained and practiced and practiced and now she’s the best unicycling bowl juggler in the world. That’s a fact.

But what if elite athletes in America grew up with unicycles and bowls instead of basketballs and footballs? Can we really be sure there isn’t someone who could out perform the legend that is Red Panda? Between all of the major US sports leagues, there has to be someone who could master this skill and take back America’s favorite pastime, halftime shows.

Naturally, the conversation starts and ends with one athlete in mind. Lebron James is at the pinnacle of the professional sporting world. He’s the king. He’s been the biggest name in sports since he burst onto the scene as a high school basketball star. A #1 overall pick that blossomed into arguably the greatest basketball player of all-time. 6’8? and 250 lbs of finely tuned muscle; he runs and jumps like a deer.

Many people have questioned what Lebron could do if he turned his focus to the football field. I think he played some as a kid, and he obviously has the size to be a fucking monster in a pair of shoulder pads. That’s all good and fun, but I think Lebron has bigger fish to fry (or eat raw with chopsticks). How long would it take Lebron to master Red Panda’s act, and ultimately surpass her as our nation’s go-to halftime show performer? I think he would need at least 2 years.

Although he’s probably our planet’s elite athletic specimen, I have to imagine his size would actually be detrimental to his development as a unicyclist. He’s so big and tall, there’s just too much mass to have to try and balance on that one-wheeled bike. They’d probably have to design a custom unicycle for him to even start his training. I’m sure we’ve got clowns somewhere who’d be willing to work day and night with Lebron to make sure he develops good form and learns the right way, but I still think he’d have a tough time mastering that part.

As for the bowls? That actually seems like something Lebron could pick up pretty quickly. As an elite basketball player, we know he has the hand eye coordination and athletic ability to master just about any skill, and that would most definitely translate to learning a skill that involves his feet. I’m sure he’s probably a decent soccer player, just going off of his raw athletic ability. Once he got the unicycling part down, this would be pretty easy for him to add to his circus act. With his big ego and even bigger head, he is already blessed with a great, smooth landing surface for the flying bowls.

But is Lebron our choice to take the reigns from Red Panda? I just don’t see it. He’s too large of a human. Despite his experience juggling the careers of past and present teammates and coaches at the trade deadline, he just isn’t cut out for Red Panda’s lifestyle.

Lebron could master just about any skill, but unfortunately he just wasn’t blessed with a body for unicycling. Acrobatics aren’t for everyone, but there’s got to be someone better than a vaguely old asian lady named after an endangered species. We can’t give up hope. For Red Pandas, and for America’s halftime shows.