A Chicken In Every Pot, A Troop In Every School

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There is an old saying, “those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t teach, teach gym.” Well those who can’t teach gym better grab a rifle and stand post, because America’s schools are about to get armed to teeth to protect our children.

Many solutions have been proposed to make our nation’s schools safer in light of the recent tragedy in Parkland, FL. There have been a number of proposals, supported by the President via tweet, to arm teachers so they can take down a potential school shooter. An innovative twist to take this idea one step further has also been proposed, to put armed veterans in every school.

According to the Census Bureau, there are almost 20 million veterans in the United States. Off the official VA rolls, there are millions more undocumented, top secret Navy SEAL DELTA Force snipers on internet message boards and in Counter-Strike lobbies. Veterans who are not working or retired would be happy to stand post at middle schools across the country, guarding schools and berating students for walking on the grass and not having fresh haircuts. Veterans who have reintegrated into civilian society and are currently working would be recalled from the civilian workforce for this incredibly important task.

President Trump used his own Chief of Staff, retired Marine Corps General John Kelly, as an example, explaining “Nobody is going to attack that school. Because they know General Kelly is the history teacher. And he’s got a concealed weapon.” If there is a better use of General Kelly’s 40 years of experience than teaching disinterested teens about Smoot-Hawley tariffs and the Teapot Dome Scandal while armed with an .50 cal on the off chance that his school is attacked, I certainly can’t think of one.

High schools and colleges have become bastions of liberal groupthink, where radical leftists teach the youth the most effective ways to be triggered. What better way to put a stop to 50 years of liberal indoctrination than having our veterans work hand in hand with students. Instead of being taught intersectional gender studies by aging hippies, students would be able to learn from soldiers, sailors, and Marines invaluable life skills like how to pack an entire can of Copenhagen in your mouth at once and the best techniques for jerking off in a port-a-potty.


After the troops have been libeled and maligned by Colin Kaepernick over the past two years, it is a refreshing change of pace to hear that there are some Americans still willing to honor our military. There is no greater privilege imaginable than being tasked with facing down heavily armed school shooters who have been trained with 7 years of Doom 3. After our troops return home from battlefields overseas, there is no greater respect we can show them than signing them up to be human shields guarding AP Statistics.

Some people might argue the military is already stretched a bit thin, tasked with countless wars across the globe, responsible for large parts of disaster relief in the United States and abroad, and participating in a half dozen Michael Bay films a year. These people are communists. There is nothing our troops can’t accomplish, they are the Swiss Army knife of American society. There’s no problem imaginable in this country that can’t be fixed by tossing a few troops at it.