Rule Number One When You're Trying To Hit A Fastball Is That You Absolutely Cannot Get Hit In The Small Intestine

Yeah, you can’t do that. Gotta hang it up if this happens. Baseball ain’t for you. I’ve seen guys swing at pitches that ended up hitting them, but they were swinging at some nasty breaking shit, and they were also morbidly obese so their body took up more space on planet earth, thus increasing the odds of them getting hit by a pitch regardless of the situation.

But if your goal is to put the barrel on the ball of a four-seam fastball that’s straighter than Leonardo DiCaprio, and you end up with the imprint of baseball stitches on your small intestine, then you’ve failed at the highest level imaginable within the sport.

To top it off, you’ve got who we can only assume is your buddy, laughing in your face while you’re gasping to regain the air that was just forced out of your lungs. And then the icing on the cake is Blue strolling out to the scene of the crime at home plate to announce, “Okay, right here, we have a strike,” as if to say, “This fucking idiot right here just swung at a straight fastball that was coming right at him and missed. You shall not be rewarded a free base, and may God have mercy on your soul.” Didn’t even check on him to see if he was okay. Was just straight up pissed at what he witnessed. Diabolical.