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Does This Look Like the Faces of a Couple That Won a Chainsaw Fight?

SourceTwo people were arrested and a man is recovering after a fight involving a chainsaw at a home in Akron.

Officers responded to Baird Street near Inman Street shortly after 9 p.m. Tuesday for a fight with injuries. When they arrived, they found the 52-year-old victim on the couch in the living room covered in blood, Akron police said.

The victim told police his former roommate, William Mitchell, and his roommate’s girlfriend, Aliyah Wiley, came over and started to argue about owed money.

According to police, the victim and Mitchell began physically fighting and fell to the floor next to a chainsaw in the living room.

After a struggle, Mitchell picked up the saw and hit the victim with the chainsaw blades, police said. The victim was cut on his hands and arms, and tried to flee out the front door.

Finally, the victim broke free and ran next door for help. Mitchell and Wiley fled the scene before officers arrived.

Well that de-escalated quickly.

I can’t ever recall seeing the words “chainsaw” and “fight” in a sentence together and ever coming away so disappointed. To the point where I almost feel bad about putting them in the headline because I know you’ll come away feeling let down. But you’re here. So … thanks for the click.

Nevertheless, what the hell, William and Aliyah? The sumbitch owes you money. You’ve got a chainsaw. Use it. There’s an old rule of fiction writing known as “Chekov’s Gun” after the Russian playwright. It states that you shouldn’t write a gun into a scene in Act I unless it’s going to be fired by Act III. Otherwise you’re just messing with your audience. You had a goddamned chainsaw in your scene and you treated it like a steak knife. Which not only screws with us, your audience, it doesn’t send the message a chainsaw should. Guys who rip off chainsaw owners deserve to lose limbs. There should be blood on the walls. Viscera on the carpet. Instead you let a guy who owes you money walk away with minor scratches? What does that tell the world other than “Don’t pay these two. They’ve got a motorized rotating chain of razor sharp mayhem but they don’t have the balls between them to use it. Don’t come crying to us the next time you get taken. Pussies.