UFC Fighter Joe Lauzon Ruptured His Teammate's Testicle In Training Yesterday

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OWWWWWWWWWWWWW. It’s stories like this that completely justify me never physically exerting myself ever. “Ruptured Testicle” is the worst combination of two words since “Adolf Hitler”. People got offended when Chaps puts “Cunt” in a headline, right? They should be offended that I put “Ruptured Testicle” in my headline. Deadspin should write a hit piece on me for this. I cringe a little harder every time I type it.

“RUPTURED TESTICLE”

Fuck. Sorry! My unruptured testicles are looking up at me with tears in their eyes, asking why I’m doing this to them. I just gotta do it for the sake of the blog. If you’re curious as to how it happened, Joe describes it here:

“We were grappling yesterday and I was switching left and right trying to pass his half guard. He had my right leg trapped and I tried to back step but he caught my leg… so it went back to the middle and I crushed his balls. I have the audio of when it happened because one of my other guys had someone filming their roll.”

He said to imagine this, but in half guard:

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After that description and gif companion, I can truthfully tell you I’ve sorta accidentally done this once and I’m shocked it doesn’t happen more often. For me, it wasn’t a deliberate knee at all, but there’s this butterfly guard pass to side control in jiu jitsu where you kick your feet into the air and swoop them over to the side like so…

…but the person on the bottom will attempt to catch you with their leg on the side you’re jumping to and pull you back into butterfly guard, and I’m horrendous at jiu jitsu so that happened every time I ever attempted this, and I once just came knee down on a training partner’s balls pretty damn hard. He let out a noise I’d only heard out of clown horns, and I felt HORRIBLE.

Devin Powell appears to be in good spirits, and surgery went well, but I truly don’t understand the brain of a fighter when they say “I can’t wait to get back in the cage!” after something as traumatic as this. Guess that’s what separates them from me. They’re not pussies.