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Last Night I Became A Mogul Skiing Expert: Pretty Cool, Right?

I’ve never really watched much Moguls before last night. I’m all in now. “Why’s that,” you ask. Well, because I’m an expert now.

Allow me to explain the rules of moguls to you. You see, first you must go fast. When you go fast, it helps your overall speed score. So, if you’re going fast, you get more points for speed. Makes sense.

Now, a moron (you) would think it’s only about going fast. A genius (me) would know that there are many more aspects to a great score other than just speed. For instance, you gotta keep your legs together.

The judges want you to pretend like you are a young teenager whose parents have deeply conservative Christian values. Legs together at all times. No matter what happens, you keep those knees together.


“Like this, Chaps? This is perfect right?”

Well, partly. Her knees are great. No question about that, but look at her head. It’s not straight. Her arms aren’t even. She’s probably going down the mountain, as the French say caddywhompus. Caddywhompus is, lest we forget, the colloquialism that is defined by such adjectives as “uneven,” “crooked” and “out of whack”—a list which could, in some instances be actually bad for the mogulist or perhaps mogular. That is indeed the case in this photograph. Sad to say it but I must be truthful.

You also get points for tricks. Nice. The more you spin, the more points you get. BUT, you must spin under control. The entire sport of moguls is really about being in control of your body. You must demonstrate control, grace, and dare I say pizzaz during each and every movement. Huh. Kinda feels like moguls is like snow yoga, right? Am I done with moguls for this year? Namaste on the mountain and practice my craft. You should too.