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They Will No Longer Be Making "Lady Doritos" Because Twitter Complained Too Much Like The Pussies They All Are

(AP)Don’t expect to see ‘‘lady Doritos’’ on store shelves. The company behind the cheesy chips said Tuesday that it’s not developing a line of Doritos designed specifically for women, despite widespread online speculation that it was. The phrase ‘‘lady Doritos’’ trended on social media after PepsiCo’s longtime CEO Indra Nooyi said on a podcast that unlike men, women don’t like to lick their fingers after eating a bag of Doritos. ‘‘Women would love to do the same, but they don’t,’’ Nooyi said in an interview on the Freakonomics podcast. ‘‘They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.’’

STRIKE TWO ON THE DAY, Twitter.

This happened yesterday and everyone lost their damn mind about it. How dare Doritos make special chips for ladies! We’re all the same! We’re all equal! Fuck market data and focus groups and consumer analysis that billion dollar companies absolutely do, Stephanie from Spokane, Washington says she likes grubby, cheese fingers so the whole thing must be a lie! Rip them from the shelves, cancel production, we will not fall victim to the patriarchy that is the female CEO of PepsiCo!

Fuck everyone who made a thing out of this, you ruined something special. Call me a lady if you’d like, perhaps even throw my last name after it, but I’d eat the shit out of lady Doritos. I hate getting orange fingers and sucking them like I’m an infant, I wipe them inside my jean pockets like an adult. I hate when I’m chewing a crunchy chip and think other people can hear me chewing, or when it’s so loud that I can’t even hear my own TV over it. I’m a quiet cookie guy, love a good Fig Newton, and I wish I could be a quiet chip guy. I also don’t tip the bag up and dump crumbs in my mouth when I’m in public because I’m not a damn animal and was raised to have manners. Hmmm, seems like I would’ve really loved these lady chips, doesn’t it?

So I’m offering Doritos the opportunity to use my lifeless, rebrand them Lady Feitelberg Chips, and get them back on the shelves. I’m willing to do it for a small fee. That’s just the kind of hero I am, a quiet crunch marvel who will do anything for the good of mankind.