Highlights of the entire night (I think):
Look, I hate that the Eagles won the Super Bowl last night with every fiber of my being. I rooted for the Patriots like they were the Giants last night just so I could hold the fact that the Eagles never won a Super Bowl over Philly fans heads. That’s what you do to your rivals.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t enjoy watching those sick fucks burn their city to the ground last night. It’s like fans of AFC East teams hating the Bills but loving #BillsMafia drop each other through tables. The fact of the matter is the Eagles won the Super Bowl and since there was nothing I could do about it, I might as well watch Philly burn. And I did just that as Devlin streamed Rone and Caleb walking through the chaos on Facebook Live.
An absolute treasure trove of hilariousness and ridiculousness. I would breakdown the best parts of it, but it wouldn’t be doing the rest of that hour and 23 minutes of carnage justice. Constant Must Watch stuff. I saw a Macy’s get looted, people running toward what sounded like gunshots, countless crazy fucks in animal masks, and oh yeah Rone almost getting flattened by a parking light.
I don’t know if I’ve ever been more excited to see a Barstool video in my life. The anticipation for the release of this video rivals how I felt when we got a teaser of Big Cat Hangs Out With Superfan And Detroit Don.
You knew sending Rone to Philly was the right move before the stream even started.
Anytime a Barstool blogger turns into The Joker from The Dark Knight, you know it’s going to be a special night.
Actually you know what? Even though he wasn’t technically covering it “live”, I’m splitting my MVP vote between our guys in Philly and Coley Mick like it’s Steph Curry and Kevin Durant. Coley blogged the living shit out of every ounce of bedlam that occurred in Philadelphia immediately after his team lost a game where they put up roughly 1000 yards and never punted. Not all heroes wear capes, but some of them apparently wear pajamas to work from time to time.
Anyway, at some point, I realized I had to go to close the stream and go to bed since I had to work today. But I didn’t want to miss out on the mayhem that was occurring 150 miles south of me. So I went old school and listened to those police scanners as a little bit of a throwback to the simpler days when the Eagles weren’t Super Bowl champions and Philadelphia wasn’t about to go bankrupt because they have to rebuild their entire city from the ground up. They say that baseball games are made for radio, but apparently so are riots inspired by 53 guys winning a football game in Minnesota. I know that the prequel to Cloverfield was released last night, but I think I listened to the actual radio broadcast of Cloverfield right as I hit REM sleep.
He are some of the best snippets via Slate:
10:46 p.m. “It’s endless, chief. Endless.”
10:50 p.m. “I got people coming up the ramps on 676 eastbound. I don’t have a clue how they’re getting up…. Should I go up to get those people off 676?”
10:53 p.m. “About four stories above the Wawa we got people out on the ledge. I can’t tell how they came up. If they’re not allowed to be there can we get them down?… They’re coming out of the window up there.”
11:04 p.m. “We got a large crowd at City Hall climbing the fence.”
11:11 p.m. “They’re on top of trash trucks. There is to be no one on top of trash trucks, guys.”
11:14 p.m. “We have multiple people on Broad Street swinging on light poles.”
11:20 p.m. “Climbing the trash trucks at 13th and Market.”
Okay, that sounds more like World War Z than Cloverfield. “It’s endless, chief. Endless” was the scariest yet funniest thing I’ve ever read.
11:25 p.m. “I need to get the fire extinguisher out of my trunk. I got a fire on Broad Street just south of South. Someone lit a Christmas tree on fire.”
Can’t wait to hear Eagles fans spinzoning lighting a Christmas tree on fire. Just own that you fucks hate Santa Claus and Christmas.
11:26 p.m. “They just flipped a car over here. If you could get a medical response team over here, I’d greatly appreciate it.”
11:38 p.m. “They’re trying to tear multiple light posts down and I don’t have anyone to counter act it right now.”
Be more cooler under pressure as you watch a city tear itself to shreds around you. You can’t.
11:44 p.m. “A man jumped off the light pole and landed on his head.”
EL OH MOTHERFUCKING EL.
11:53 p.m. “We have a large crowd throwing bottles and chanting Meek Mill.”
This was the first quote I remember hearing when I turned the stream on and I instantly knew I made the right decision turning it on.
11:58 p.m. “I got a male in custody in this location. He’s saying he’s an off-duty cop.”
Wait until they find out that off-duty cop’s supervisor was right next to him and punching every police horse in sight.
I’m sure there are a billion other gems in those endless hours of police scanner magic. So once you are done watching Rone and Caleb’s stream, listen to to that full stream in the background while cranking out your Excel sheets in the cubes while also thanking God you don’t live in Philly (I know nobody from Philly is reading this because after last night, they probably aren’t going to have running water until March, let alone WiFi).