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Nintendo Announced That They Are Coming Out With A Mario Kart Game For Smartphones

Well I guess seeing my family and friends is over with once March 2019 hits. Human interaction is overrated anyway. And I guess I better have Verizon boost my data plan to the highest amount of Gigabytes allowed and buy some Mophie battery cases so I always have some juice. Because I don’t see myself putting down a Mario Kart game on my phone unless I am going to check Twitter or the number 1 sports app on the planet.

Nintendo has had trouble breaking into the mobile gaming world and some could say that was because of stubbornness or an inability to read the market. Mario Run has clearly been a flop and they didn’t even develop Pokemon Go, which was a rousing success when it came out. But I think the reason Nintendo never gave us a great Mario Kart mobile game is because they were looking out for the good of humanity. The only thing stopping my friends and I from continuing to play Mario Kart once we went out separate ways, got married, and had kids was the ones that actually grew up not buying whatever the newest Nintendo system is. But since everyone has a smartphone that is always within arm’s length, it will be just like the old days (except for the kids crying in the background because they are being ignored).

As a Mario Kart superfan that believes when push comes to shove, it is the greatest gaming franchise ever, I have a few requests. The theme of these requests are Keep It Simple Stupid.

1. There should be 8-12 selectable characters, max. I imagine phones memories cannot handle a ton of data, so Nintendo should stop loading up the game with a gaggle of characters like they have been doing lately. Give me the OG characters from the SNES game along with some other popular characters in there. Not 10 different types of Toads and characters from Gamecube and Wii U games that I’ve never played. If you are going outside the Mario world for characters, bring back Diddy Kong. I loved that silly bastard in Double Dash.

2. Give me some throwback courses and some new courses. And make sure those throwback courses are crowd favorites like Moo Moo Farms, Baby Park, and at least one course on the DK Mountain range. Oh yeah and every Mario Kart game ever for the rest of time should have a Peach Beach course of some sort. Rainbow Road too because of tradition. But nobody in their right mind has enjoyed Rainbow Road in decades. It’s more of a proving ground than an actual fun race course.

3. Get rid of Battle Mode. The only people I know who play it are Smitty and his brothers. I’m not one to pile on my Gametime brethren as he fights a 20-front war this week, but if you actually play Mario Kart Battle Mode, you are a blockhead.

4. Make sure online mode is on point. 1 player Mario Kart is fun until you have gotten all the gold trophies and unlocked all the characters. Then it just becomes kind of sad. Also I need Nintendo’s online game lobbies and adding friends method to stop sucking so much. I know it’s probably because they want everything to be PG or because it works well in Japan. But the entire setup stinks and my dumb American brain does not like it.

5. This would be sick but many, many innocent lives would be at risk on a daily basis.

I think that’s it for now. Now watch me beat Smitty and The Aussie in Drunk Mario Kart last year before the office devolved into a complete zoo. RIP In Peace Benny With The Good Hair.

*Today’s word of the day was Gaggle. Shout out to me for using it in a blog