Whoever Stole Red Panda's Unicycle Should Be Shot Into The Sun

Golden State Warriors v Dallas Mavericks

Someone took off with a 7-foot unicycle from the woman behind the legendary “Red Panda Acrobat” at San Francisco International Airport, and now her agent is offering a $2,000 reward, no questions asked. And since its disappearance on Jan, 24, Rong Niu, the solo San Francisco unicyclist who juggles and balances plates on her head at NBA basketball games and universities across the country, has not been the same. “She’s heartbroken,” her agent, Pat Figley of San Francisco-based Farallon Entertainment, told KTVU on Wednesday. ”It’s like her baby was kidnapped. She’s had that unicycle for 30 years.”

As Figley tells the story, Niu had landed at SFO from Denver and was waiting for her bag – filled with her 7-foot unicycle – to come off the conveyor belt. She saw it from a distance. But as she was about 10 to 15 feet away, someone “must have grabbed it,” Figley said. He said it’s possible someone even took it by mistake, and if so, he’s hoping they return it, no questions asked. She didn’t see who, but Figley said he’s been working with the San Mateo County Sheriff’s Cargo and Task Force to review surveillance video from that time period.

Well that’s it. Humanity is officially a wrap. Somebody tell Rocket Man Jong-un to fire when ready and wipe mankind from the map. I don’t want to live in a world where Red Panda’s unicycle would be stolen. That’s like stealing Picasso’s paintbrush or Heather Brooke’s throat. That unicycle should be balancing Red Panda until the day she decides to put her bowls on the shelf for good and send her unicycle up to Springfield, MA to reside next to Michael Jordan’s jersey from Game 6 in Utah and Wilt Chamberlain’s 100 point game paper. She is currently trying to gut things out with a backup cycle (slang for unicycle) but seems to be having a rough go of it.

She’s now back out on the road, but she’s on a backup unicycle. And it’s not the same. “She’s doing horribly,” Figley said. “She’s dropping balls. She’s just not used to it. The one that was stolen was custom built for her.”

I bet the Warriors wouldn’t ask Steph Curry and his ankles to play in some old, likely worn out, backup shoes. But Red Panda is out there grinding, tossing bowls onto her dome with some D-league unicycle with a broken heart because she loves entertaining the masses.

While I’m not one to point fingers, there is one team that happens to be going viral with their halftime entertainment seemingly every other night that probably would love to take out their biggest rival to ensure they get ALL those clicks and retweets. I don’t think Hot Sauce has anything to do with it. But maybe the Hawks are the Jeff Gilooly to Mr. Sauce’s Tonya Harding and this unicycle thief took out Red Panda’s legs in a figurative sense because they knew that’s what would really hurt her. Either that or there is a serial unicycle thief on the loose in Oakland.

Whether it is a coincidence or not, another unicycle was stolen the same day – this time an electric one, from a 24-year-old woman riding it in the 3900 block of San Leandro Street in Oakland.

Jesus Christ, Oaktown. Get your shit together man! No wonder the Raiders are leaving you. Now everybody riding a unicycle in public is a suspect. Granted, that’s like 20 people and every single one of them lists Professional Beggar/Performer on their W-2’s. But still, I officially don’t trust anybody riding a unicycle until Red Panda gets her baby back. Unicycle thief, if by some chance you are reading this, please give Mrs. Panda her beloved unicycle back. For me. For her. And for the millions of people she entertains on a yearly basis.