Is Aaron Rodgers Dating Danica Patrick Solely For Her Healing Crystals?

Big Cat1/16/2018 4:26 PM

My first reaction to this news was simply, Aaron Rodgers is going to be distracted from football wooing his new celebrity girlfriend so 1 +1 =The Bears Are Back. But in full disclosure I walk around saying that to myself no matter what the news. Someday when the internet makes me go fully insane I’ll be in a psych ward like “One Flew Over A Cuckoo’s Nest”, chewing on my tongue and mumbling to myself about this being the season the Bears are back, but I digress.

My second reaction was crystals. Motherfucking crystals. I dont think its a coincidence that Danica Patrick was talking to us about the healing powers of crystals less than 6 months ago and now she’s dating Aaron Rodgers.

Rodgers is getting into the crystal game. He’s going to fix that shoulder and bad attitude with some crystals. Probably put a crystal curse on his family just because he can. I’ve never been so sure of it. So the question now is, are Crystals a banned substance in the NFL? Looks like it’s time to put on my investigating hat and get to the bottom of this. Aaron Rodgers listens to Pardon My Take, heard me talk to Danica Patrick about jerk off crystals, hurt his shoulder, broke up with Olivia Munn, needed a new girlfriend and a way to heal his body, started dating Danica Patrick because she’s a crystal lady, I caught wind and alerted the NFL, and then Aaron Rodgers was banned for life from Football for illegal crystal use which thus resulted in 10 straight NFC North Championships for the Bears and the Owners of the Packers to sell the team to San Antonio for a pack of Johnsonville brats and a 6 pack of Miller Lite. Smelling what I’m smelling? Pulitzer.

This is Big Cat, Barstool I-Team, now back to you.