MMBM: Was Rocket Scientist Matt Patricia Responsible For The Hawaiian Missile Threat In An Attempt To Distract Marcus Mariota?
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Saturday night in New England was a bloodbath that everyone with two functioning eyes and Mike Zimmer saw coming. Mike Mularkey couldnt even get his teams plane off the ground much less there offense in chilly Foxborough. The entire game was a masterclass in Belichickian chess but what many didnt see was the preperatin that went into the systematic dissection of the Titans that made William Wallaces final hours look like playing doctor.
Sure, there was a complete and total missmatch at every position on the field but the real mind games started about 7 hours before at 8 AM Hawaii’an time as someone pushed the ultmate panic button for our good friends in the south pacific and sent the entire state telling there loved ones “aloha” (the goodbye version.)
Many people were left wondering if this was the work of the deep state, illuminati, or both. Well close- it was the New England Patriots. The first thing to ask during a international crisis is who stands to gain? Well obvously the monetary damage done to Hawaii in the event of annhiliation would be astronomical when you realize that just a gallon of milk over there costs like 7 bucks, but most of all you have to weigh the mental toll. If hypotheticaly the teams best OL, WR, QB, and RB had there mind somewhere else (no offense to JFK) that would be a huge advantage of the other team.
Next you have to ask- whose capable of committing such a act? Well idiot this is simple. People forget that Matt Patricia is a rocket sciencist and it wouldnt suprise me in the least to know that his finger had access to all sorts of nuclear buttons. This is a man who keeps a pencil behind his ear so he can write on laminated paper- this guys not afraid to use lead much less uranium- the word sociopath might be a little to light for him. Threatening to vicously murder everyone in your opponents home town might seem a bit drastic but Belichick knows the importence of taking away your oppositions most important strength, and in the close-knit Hawaiin community that means your entire family. As the saying goes one dead person is a tragedy, a million is a statistic- and if theres anyone in the NFL who understands the importence of sabermetrics its the math-obsessed Patricia.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: James Harrison
James Harrison has took a break from posting very unusual instagram workout videos of him getting attacked by dogs while running on an underwater treadmill or whatever, and has really blossomed under the tutalage of trainer Alex Guerrero, who has Harrison combining his favorite activities of accupuncture and medicine ball tosses by standing in front of a JUGGS machine firing live porcupines into his body. The former Steeler had 3 tackle’s but most importantly the mental game he played verse the Steelers after the game all but elimnated Pittsburgh form the playoffs entirely. Harrison said he was going to be to much of a alpha male to even watch his former team play on Sunday like your dad not showing up to your High School football game even though its probly your last JV game since your finally on track to graduate this year. Dogs in the wild wont even make eye contact with there subordinates, so once the Steelers learned Harrison woudnt even be watching they knew theyd been bested. FACT: Jake Olson never watched a opponets game all year at USC and they won the PAC12. Total mind game dominance from number 92.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. In the battle for which team additioned more by subtracting Adrian Peterson, the Vikings prevailed over the Saints. It was a shrewd move on the Saints part to sign Adrian Peterson this offseason so they could get the Vikings playbook for jsut this type of game, but what they didnt realize is that Mike Zimmer had thrown out all the old Minnesota pages where it instructs them to loose in the most heartbreaking of fashions. On what will go down in history as the most hilarous tackle attempt of all time. Marcus Williams, ever the gentleman, didnt want to interefere with the Walking Shovel pass Stefon Diggs’ attempt to catch the ball and pulled up from his tackle, allowing Diggs to catch the ball and run like 35 yards untouched to the endzone. The most undereported aspect of this catch? Stefon Diggs was wearing “Dirty Sprite” cleats promoting the use of illegal cough “syrup”. Maybe thats why when Keenum “throwed” the ball he appeared to be “tripping” and allmost “leaned” so far over he stepped out of bounds.
The Vikings are entering a interesting time- all three of there QBs are going to be free agents this offseason so these playoffs are like a season of the bachelor for Keenum, Teddy, and Bradford. Zimmer was able to make chicken salad out of chicken shit- number one because anything can be a salad as long as you eat it with a fork, but two because he goes against the grain of the rest of the NFL. He loves defense so much that he cant even stand his own QBs and treats them accordingly. Zimmer basicaly chains his QBs to a tree and leaves them outside with a bowl of water and some kibble while he goes to work on the real football players. Pat Shurmur has to like sneak little bits of leftover pot roast in his pockets and take them outside so they dont starve to death but at least there playing hungry.
2. Eagles verse Falcons was a bird fight and Atlanta really laid a egg. There play calling at the end could best be described as if you left your Madden controller upside down during a earthquake, and Steve Sarkisian was Jonesing for Julio instead of Jose, Jim, Jack, or Johnny Walker. The playcalling was entireley too conservaitve throughout the game- it might be insenstive or whatever but I dont like this new Sark- I want a guy whose not afraid to take a shot.
The most interesting part of the post-game scene in Philly was Chris Long and Lane Johnson violating NFL uniform rules by wearing dog masks on the field and in the lockeroom perhaps as some sort of bat signal to let Mike Vick to come back for one last hurrah. The dog masks also make me wonder about the technicalities surrounding the NFLs concussion protocol. Do they list the dimensions that the concusson tent has to be in the NFLs bylaws? If not, then wouldnt simply putting a animal mask on for a period of time count as a tent? This might just be what the league needs to solve its concusson issue and it happened by accident- like when Alex Fleming left MRSA uncovered for a few days and dicsovered pennicillin- a experiment that Greg Schiano later tried and failed to recreate.
3. Backup roadgrader of the week goes to Taysom Hill the Saints 3rd string QB/ punt team ace. Taysom is a specialist in not hitting the punter while his teamate blocks a punt and its a big part of why hes on a roster. Colin Kapernick has never skillfuly avoided a penatly on a punt he didnt block like that. For a guy whose name sounds like pig latin for a place middle school kids go to make out Taysom has found quite a niche in the NFL they say play to your strengths so as a mormon who cant score Taysom is staying true to himself.
4. The Tide Pod Challenge made its way into NFL circles on Saurday as Rob Gronkowski made the rounds in the media telling kid’s to not eat the soap packets.
Was probably very easy to get Rob on board with the marketing process since Detergent literaly translates to chicks only.
5. That Eagles front 7 is absoluteley loaded. Those D linemen were feasting on Atlanta depsite the fact that the Falcons are historicaly more likley to have trouble keeping Cox in check the nite before the superbowl than during round 2 of the playoffs.
6. I call Matty Ice more like Matty Light because he’s only good in college and if your going to use him u have to shotgun?
?7. In the third quater of last weeks Cavs/Pacers game, Lebrons teamates tried to hold a intervention for his dirnking habits probably, and he just yelled at them all and for the first time ever, wouldnt check himself in. He has to want help first, and the only way to make this guy take 12 steps is to tell him he just picked up his dribble?.
8. The Jaguars upset the Steelers in what many meth addled Jacksonvillans are describing as another miracle on ice. The 45-42 final was by far the highest scoring game of the weekend, led by Blake Bortles game-high 4 TD handoffs. Bortles is a giant killer, Mr January, you name it. The media was saying he was at a disadvantage by beng from Florida his whole life trying to play in the cold but it was like watching a husky puppy see its first snowfall and start to play, or a Lion introduced to the wild for the first time just insticutually know that its in his DNA to lose on Thanksgiving.
At first, the Steelers offense got into a rhythm with multiple turnovers which handed the ball to the Jags Offense- thereby keeping there best unit off the field. But in the second half the wheels fell off for Big Ben who limited his turnovers substantially increasing Jaylen Ramsey and Miles Jacks plays. Bad gameplan by Todd Haley.
9. Many people are wondering what it means that our final four NFL QBs include 3 guys who have never started a confrence championship game well the answer is simple- none of the good QBs wanted to loose to Tom Brady so there biding their time until Tom retires or gets poisioned when someone accidentally slips a strawberry into his colloided silver smoothie. You think Big Ben, Russell Wilson, Joe Flacco, or Drew Brees wanted any part of Brady? Your insane. Those guys took themselves out of the playoffs to save their own legacies. Being good enough to win is hard, but being good enough to intentionally lose while still making it look like your good enough to win is Elite. If you cant be the GOAT, at least you can avoid being the sacrifical lamb.
10.
Tough day to be this guy
11. Thoughts and Prayers to Mike Mularkey who has mutually agreed to part ways with the Titans in the same way that Marcus Williams mutually agreeed to part ways with Stefon Diggs.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? Bill Belichick verse the NFL
The thing about Bill Belichicks wardrobe selections is that they can usually best be described as if Ray Charles did a dizzy bat race before a supermarket sweep at REI and Saturdays press conference was no different.
Yep you are seeing that correctly- Bill wore his Patriots jacket with the Pats logo torn off it, costing the Patriots tens of thousends of dollars in product placement for anyone watching Bill Belichicks postgame presser who didnt know who the New England Patriots were. By ripping off the logo hes ripping off the league office. If Bill wants to get something off his chest thats fine- literally.