#18) MMBM EXCLUSIVE: Peyton Manning's ESPY Monologue Leaked

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Original Post Date: July 10, 2017

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

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Hey guys its me Peyton Manning, the greatest quarterback of alltime besides all the ones that use to beat me. Its sure is a pleasure to be your host this evening. Id like to welcome you all to the 19th consecutive ESPY awards without Norm MacDonald. I was fortunate enough to play for two great organizatons in Denver and Indianapolis, but more importantly I worked with two great men Jim Irsay and Jon Elway, and they were actualy very similar its just that Jon actualy had a prescription for his qualudes. Speaking of never getting a taste of your own medicine my wife is here. People assume that I threw her under the bus just because of how inaccurate i was at that point in my career, but the truth is that Al Jazeera report had so many holes in it I thought it must had been hanging around Aaron Hernandez folks. Im kidding Aaron was a great friend of mine but if you had told me one guy from that Gator’s team would wind up in bedsheets I would of guessed Riley Cooper.

Hey Brock Osweilers here. Brock great to see you. Brock got paid alot of money by Bill O Brien without ever meeting the guy which is kind of a new situation to see a Penn State football coach fail to ignore warning signs of a 4-year old issue. Brock got traded from the Houston Texans to the Cleveland Browns but the Texans are still paying his salary. In the biz we call that hush money so it seems like maybe Brock has a non disclosure agreement that prevent’s him from telling the Browns the Houston Texans secrets to sustaned success at the quarterback position. I think its a tremendous culture fit to rbing in a tall kid who dosent drink, especally when your coming off of drafting a 5’10 alcoholic maybe its not a great idea to have a low bar.

Its been a interesting year for me away from the sport of football and now wokring in media but since the basic media requirements for working in sport’s TV is to think that Peyton Manning is unfallable its been a pretty easy transition. You know alot of folks have accused ESPN of being to liberal over the last couple years and its the first time Colin Kapernicks affected someone elses ratings by forcing them to move to there left. You guys remember this whole Caitlyn Jenner deal? Hell folks, if ESPN wanted to give a award to someone for cutting penises off why not give it to a conservative christan like Tim Tebow for all the good he’s done in the phillipeans? Really makes you think. Quick litle sketch for you (puts on womans wig) Im Chelsea Manning now folks are you going to give me a award for alerting the taxpaying public that there money is being used to commit war crimes? Haha

Lebron James is in the audience. Wow Lebron you are the goat. By that I mean you’ve got a crappy beard and you surround yourself with sheep. You somehow put together a team with less of a backbone then my brother Cooper, no offense Cooper. Tough to build a basketball team with a solid core when your point guard dosen’t even believe the earth has one. Not only is Lerbon a coach killer but hes a front office killer as well, the only guy responsible for more GM layoffs then Obama!

Speaking of unsolved murders, Our good friend OJ Simpsons getting out of jail thats right. The juice is back. OJ, I want to introduce you to my good friend Tony Dungy. Tony would be happy to help with your rehabiltation as long as you didnt accidentaly touch Ronald Goldmans dick while you were murdering him. Me and OJ have alot in common actualy. I too am a slow white bronco that led plodding drives& was only able to ultmately able to emerge victorious on account of a ridiculous defense. I also am known for blaming my wife whenever Im accused of cheating. Catch up later OJ.

President Trump is here everyone, the quarterback of the United States. Hey Donald if your ever looking for a place to stay with a tanning bed and room for your idiot son I can get Elway to let you in to Mike Shanahans. Donald has pledged to protect the United States from bad trade agreements, which as I understand it is simply expanding use of the death penalty to include Ryan Grigson!Many people say Donald cheats at golf but if your going to lie about shooting Eagles why not ask Marvin Harrison to do it for you. Donald I’m allways impressed with your abilty to handle having such dumb looking kids so if you have any tips for Archie hed sure apreciate them.

Oh look Cam Newtons here Cam its nice to see you in Los Angeles I know how you like to avoid the cameras unless its during the 245 days of the year your not giving a press conference after a loss. Have you guys checked out this digital All-22 film they got available now its all digital. Back before cell phone texting we use to send dick picks on film. Speaking of 8mm sex tapes, Brett Farve’s here. Brett good to see you, lets clap it up for Brett y’all. Brett can allways use a Big Hand as a excuse. Brett was my hero growing up because he was so dang tough, but sabermetricaly there was less surface area of him to hurt. I allways wondered how he was able to play through so many concussons but I figured it was because Deanna used the “I cant, I have a headache” excuse enough for the both of them. Bretts only piece of advice to me tonight was the same as it is everynight- keep it short. Enjoy the show folks!

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Jeff Fisher

Yesterday was 7-9, aka international Jeff Fisher day, and it just serves to remind us all that the world is a better place when Coach Fisher is leading a team into a rebuilding year leading to a high draft pick and then drafting a QB and buying himself 3 more years of development time. I miss it allready. I need it. More picture’s are starting to surface of Jeff Fisher working on the great Amercan Novel comprised solely of Xs and Os as he prepares for his reentry back into the NFL. But every time his name is probably floated they release another embarassing video taken completeley out of context:

As tempting as getting back into head coaching might be for Fisher I truley beileve he should be angling for a job as NFL commissoner. In a league focused on parity there is simply no better solution then to hire the steady hand of Jeff Fisher to ensure the league continues to go 256-256 into the forseeable future.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Ironic that a guy whose known for saying “no days off” is dating a woman whose name literaly translates to “give me a break”

Second of all what the hell kind of a leader spend’s his summers lounging away on Nantucket instead of being nose to the grinestone first in last out at the facility? Cant build a qualty organization like that.

2. Dak Prescott has been accused of illeagally counterfitting his own signature on merchandise but forgery charges are notorously difficult to prove when the aggreived fanbase is 90% illiterate. I would say no offense but there not reading this. Forging a signature and giving it to someone whose not able to read is like trying to prosecute Brett Farve for shoplifting Magnums. Ok thats enough Brett Farve talk for one column.

3. My Cohost Big Cat threw out the first pitch for the Cub’s game at Wrigley Field on Friday and your not going to believe this but some people online are NOT happy about something. I actualy agree with them that someone as problematic as Big Cat was aloud to do it instead of bringing back a former player like Aroldis Chapman. Cant support a organazation that would have a guy like Big Cat- whose wikipedia controversy section (if it existed) would include such outragous incidents as thinking Jimmy Butler is a top 20 player, crapping himself accdentally, and sitting on his couch all weekend. It just makes me sick that innocent fan’s of the Cubs are subjected to being exposed to a potentally probematic, yet widely consumed and enjoyed by many- brand when all they wanted to do was to go to the park and enjoy a nice cold Budweiser.

Its nice to see the Cubs standing up for what is right, and intating a boycott of home plate ever since Dan’s pitch crossed it. Dont want to be on the wrong side of history.

4. Kirby Smart is changing the Oklahoma Drill to acommodate milleneals. Classic Kirby trying to work smarter instead of working harder. They allready make a Oklahoma Drill for milleneals its called joining the United States Military.

This new drill line’s up three WRs and three DBs to open up a artisinal pickle business and complain about never getting a promotion. If they wanted to cater to milleneals they would design a geolocation-based app called HatOnAHat where football player’s can find someone in there general vicinity who would like to initiate contact. Finally,  Tinder for men.

5. The Golden State Warriors are trying to win the NBA title with the most hilarously outclassed cast of characters ever assembeled since the Maginot Line. They signed Swaggy P Nick Young last week in a attempt to recreate the plotline of Pygmalian except with a very different ending on account of Nick Young coud never pass as anything.

6. 

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Cant beleve Donald Trump let Manti Teos girlfriend sit in for him at the G20 meetings. Completely unconstutional

7. Tom Bradys wellness book is offically coming out in September for all those who need to read a stupid book that tell’s us to stop drinking coffee, beer, and eating cheese and anything delicous that wasnt translated through a hole in a hat. Brady essentally is bragging about how healthy and great his body is its like if he wrote a book on how to sexualy please Giselle. Real relatable Tom. Oh your secret is you only drink water thats been filtered throug 5 superbowl rings? Not exactly sure who his target demo is here

8. A new study has come out that says Trash Talk actualy does more to make your opponet play better than it does to motivate yourself which just goes to show you that acutaly maybe Bobby Knight knew what he was doing. The finest example of this is the Zimmerman telgraph which basically told the United States “your not going to do anything about it puta” and the rest as we say is literaly history. It also might be a major factor in the decison for Steve Kerr to sign Nick Young, a man whose so incompetent at talking trash that he was publically outwitted by Iggy Izaela. Corner the market on awful trash talkers and your opponents will play worse.

9. This is a incredible product and my only issue is that it took so long to invent.

They should make a one for football thats literaly just a Buddy Ryan or Archie Manning paternity test while there at it.This product could unlock the search for the elusive clutch gene that until now has only been discoverable in atheletes after there careers or over or at least until Skip Bayless wieghs in. Better yet you can use this to determine your opponets weaknesses if you can manage to swab them when there not looking. If this technology had been around in the mid 2000s, opposing coaches could of spiked Ryan Clarks water bottles with lots of sodium, or if you knew that Mike Irvin had the addiction gene you could of derailed his career by putting him Dallas Texas in the early 90s.

10. Brandon Mebane is alleging that during the teamses tenure in San Diego, many Chargers players faced housing dsicrimnation beyond being forced to live in the AFC West basement. Maybe if the city of San Diego had spent as much money maintaining the red zones at qualcomms as they did the red lines in the surrounding neighborhoods they wouldnt of lost the team. Before making such bold accusatons I would commission a study to determine wether there is actual discrimnation while examining the possibility  that the housing shortage is simply a result of having the Cromartie and the Rivers familys living within the same area code.

Whats Shakin In Sports Biz??? First They Came For The Viagra Ads And I Said Nothing, For It Happens To Alot Of Guys

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Pfiezer has lost there patent on the Viagra formula, so that means other companys are free to make there own which also means you wont be seeing any commercials on TV for Viagra on NFL sundays anymore. Now guy’s wont have anything to remind them of there fading virilty while watching football besides beer, truck, and nugenix commericals. Very sad day. Every pharmaceutical manufacture in America should have a franchise tag for a drug they want to keep off the market while paying a premuium to keep it on there roster, but it could be a blessing in disguise. Fewer erections means fewer unwatned babys which means less child support. People forget the condom is natures first salary cap. True NFL fans use Infowars Supermale Vitality anyways- a erectile dysfunction solution so potent that I had to stop taking it. Now if true Patriots want a erection lasting longer then 4 hours we’ll just have to rewatch the Superbowl.