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#24) Writer Goes Through Great Lengths On Twitter To Assure People He Does NOT Watch Tentacle Porn

Top 50 of 2017

Original Post Date: 6/8/2017 

I have been howling at these tweets at HQ like a goddamn moron for the last half hour. Whenever I get down in life, I am going to read these tweets and become instantly happy again. Thank you Kurt Eichenwald for giving Twitter a break from the billions of tweets about the Comey testimony to tell us that you definitely do NOT watch tentacle porn. Nosiree. See this face?

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That is definitely NOT the face of tentacle porn the same way Rex Ryan is the face of foot fucking just like Eichenwalding is definitely not getting off as you watch people get fucked by tentacles. Is that even how tentacle porn works? Is hentai porn also tentacle porn? Actually forget it. I don’t even want to go down that rabbit hole and then getting lumped in with Kurt’s freaky ass. The best part about this is that Kurt is apparently some sort of big J journalist whose Twitter went from 0-100 in one wiiiiiild tweet.

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Apparently Kurt’s gone viral before and he’ll probably go viral again for shit like this. But I never heard of him until now. So this latest tweet storm just made him at least one new fan. Guy is a content machine. Guy goes from tweeting Trump nonsense and then POW, a thread about tentacle porn right to the kisser. Kurt is so much not a porn guy he doesn’t even know how to spell porn correctly.

The screenshot on texts were fantastic too.

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Our (adult) sons is some legit prime time unintentional comedy and very convenient considering how he creepily mentioned his kids and tentacle porn in his initial tweet. Millmore could have done a Photoshop like that before he learned how to crawl.

And how about the poor Doughertys getting their names lumped in with tentacle porn. Gonna be an awkward Halloween if Kurt’s (adult) sons bring their kids to the Doughertys for trick or treating.

The smoking gun was Kurt saying he didn’t know what facesitting is.

https://twitter.com/kurteichenwald/status/872869008504172544

It’s not like when you are young and you have no idea what a blowjob is. I thought people got pregnant by kissing because when I watched Look Who’s Talking, the sperm appeared after Kirsty Allie kissed a dude. But even young me could have figured out what facesitting is.

This is all just another example of when shit is going down on Twitter, you should turn into the skid. Have some fun with it, casually deny any wrongdoing and go about your day. The more you fight it, the more it tightens like an octopus’ tentacles a Chinese finger trap. Danny Boy Cane could have given Kurt this advice after all those swine flu rumors came out but Danny was unfortunately eaten by a bear a few years ago. Now poor Kurt can look forward to nothing but tentacle porn being tweeted into his mentions for the foreseeable future.

P.S. Not to get woke on everybody, but what if this was all a clever ploy by Kurt to sell some books? I didn’t know who the fuck Kurt Eichenwald was an hour ago. Now he’s an absolute must follow on Twitter as he digs his own grave for the next thing he is accused of. Gotta sling those books until they turn into paperbacks, right?

P.P.S. I’m glad Kurt got over that icepick headache. That sounded like a real nightmare.