Live EventTeam Minihane vs. Uptown Balls (The Dozen: Trivia Competition pres. by Better Help, Match 122)Watch Now

Dolphins Are Going Deaf Because Fish Orgies Are Getting Too Loud


The Guardian – A species of Mexican fish amasses in reproductive orgies so loud they can deafen other sea animals, awed scientists have said, calling for preservation of the “spectacle” threatened by overfishing.

An individual spawning Gulf corvina, say the researchers, utters a mating call resembling “a really loud machine gun” with multiple rapid sound pulses. And when hundreds of thousands of fish get together to spawn once a year “the collective chorus sounds like a crowd cheering at a stadium or perhaps a really loud beehive”, said study co-author Timothy Rowell from the University of San Diego.

“The sound levels generated by chorusing is loud enough to cause at least temporary if not permanent hearing loss in marine mammals that were observed preying on the fish.

We’ve all had this issue before. There’s nothing worse than noisy neighbors. Not only do you hate your life in general considering you’re poor and have paper-thin walls, but adding insult to injury is the people living next to you are the most obnoxious sons of bitches the world has ever created. Whether they play their music really loud, or they’re in a god awful relationship and are always screaming at each other, or maybe they’re the complete opposite and they bang so loud that it causes at least temporary if not permanent hearing loss.

I feel like a lot of people out there are going to focus on being happy for the fish. And yeah, good for them for getting their freak on. I know for a fact that I’m not cut out for the orgy life but if that’s your cup of tea then there’s nothing wrong with doing a little group fuck and suck. All I ask is that you have some shred of common decency. Just because you’re out there getting your rocks off doesn’t mean the rest of the ocean wants to see or hear about it. You don’t own the ocean. The ocean doesn’t belong to you. You have no idea what kind of day that those dolphins just went through.

Who knows. Maybe the dolphin has been grinding his ass off at work for the last few months because the holidays are right around the corner and he needs to find a way to provide for his dolphin wife and his three dolphin children. His boss is an asshole and there’s no Christmas bonus check that’s going to magically arrive in his dolphin mailbox. So he needs to pick up more shifts. He already works his ass to the bone the other 11 months of the year just to make rent and pay the bills. Now he needs to get these kids presents for Christmas on top of al that? Yikes. He and his wife knew that they weren’t ready for kids in the first place. But they thought they could play it fast and loose without a condom and it came back to bite them in the ass. They knew they should have stopped after just the 1st kid but when has that ever stopped anybody before? One set of twins later and their life is a constant struggle just to keep their heads below water (get it? Because they’re fish?). The only brief moments of peace in this dolphin’s day is the few minutes when he gets home from work. Everybody else is asleep. He can finally unwind and just be by himself for a bit before he falls asleep himself. And then out of nowhere, a bunch of fish next door start fucking so loud it sounds like a damn war is going on with machine guns unloading round after round after round. I think you know where this story is heading.