Bill O'Reilly's Clothes Don't Fit Anymore But It Is NOT His Fault, There's A Conspiracy To Shrink Clothes
I love the fuck out of this move. I love the fuck out of any move that takes responsibility away from me, really. Surprised at how tight your clothes are this holiday season? Well, you could assume the obvious and just figure you had a little too much gravy and mashed potatoes and the waist line expanded a tad. But no, no, no that can’t be it. So what else could it be?
Did you recently knock a man dressed as Santa Clause off your roof whose business card read “If something should happen to me, put on my suit. The reindeer will know what to do”? No? Hmmmm.
Perhaps your dry cleaners voted for Hillary and they’ve been slowly but surely shrinking your clothes intentionally, like a Jim/Dwight prank? That’s not it either because obviously you had your dry cleaners vetted?
Well, then it looks like there’s only one possible reason your clothes don’t fit: there’s a global conspiracy by all clothing makers to save fabric and they’re changing the sizes of clothes. Much like American Airlines realized that if you removed one olive from every salad then you’d save 100k a year, haberdashers the world over have realized that they can save millions by convincing the world that they’re getting fat. Sounds crazy? Yeah, crazy like a fox fur jacket that I suddenly need in an XL rather than an L.