MMBM: Are NFL Players Getting Injured More Often Because They're Millennials?
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Another week in the NFL and another star player get’s lost for the year due to the dreaded injury bug. You hate to see it happen to such a promising young QB as Carson Wentz and we should definiteley take the time to be upset, but also lets try and figure out why bad things keep happening to good people and also Eagles fans no offense.
So what is to explain the rash of star players getting knocked out for the season? Well I think players are getting injured more because there all milleneals nowadays. No coincdence the nickname of the generation starts out with Me-ill it literaly means “I’m sick”. Back in the day when kids worked in coal mines instead of going to school you didnt hear alot about knee injurys cuz these kids couldnt spell ACL much less tear one. Not saying its a direct correlation but Avocado toast has high amounts of omega fatty acids which are great for your skin but do absolutely nothing to strengthen ligments thats a fact. Now everyone these days is a special snowflake and we’re all unwilling to sacrifice our long-term health for our bosses. The railroads would never of gotten built if a few good workers werent willing to be buried beneath them and the same goes for winning a lombardi on Sundays. We never would of invaded Normandy if our soldiers were in the training room. You dont need a ice bath when youve got the English channel.
This generation of athelete has grown up being coddled and treated by specialists who focus on one area of study as opposed to being a well-rounded doctor of life by belonging to varous pseudo-science facebook groups. Has anyone stopped to think that we keep building machines that allow us to detect more injurys and meanwhile we havent invented any that let us overlook any with the notable excepton of the concussion tent.
Also Ive noticed in todays PC society its only the Christian QBs who are getting hurt. Wentz, Bradford, RG3, Phillip Rivers, Deshaun Watson, all christians and all have had torn ACLs. Meanwhile Mohammad Sanu is best statistical QB in NFL history. Makes you think.
My other explanaton is that Nick Foles is the black widow of NFL QBs. In his career he has gotten starting job’s over Mike Vick, Case Keenum, Alex Smith and now Carson Wentz just because he happen’s to be in the right place at the right time when they go down to injury. Nick Foles could potentally be Slender Man, or kind of the reverse Forrest Gump who shows up at all these seminal moments in NFL history and reaps all the rewards. Foles might be the very first serial-injurer kind of a watered down Zodiac killer type guy except hopefully he learns from Wentz example and be less of a ransom type QB and more of a pass some type QB.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Bills Mafia
Neither rain nor sleet nor snow will stop the Buffalo Bills fans from getting drunk and injuring themselfs.Forget about having over size thermometers on the feild to tell you that its cold when its snowing, many people dont realize the Bills have various dildos on the field to measure how many inches of snow they get. If its up to the frenulum thats about 4 inches which is actualy quite avergae for men, and in many cultures considered allmost too big. Just food for thought.
If Im the Bills players Im thrwoing snowballs at Vinatieris face as hes lining up to kick- I actualy dont think this is against the rules.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Best part of the Bills Colts game by far was Joe World Wide Webb demonstrating that net neutralty is a crock of shit as the Bills have diffrent teamates filling different roles despite costing different amounts of money, namely with his high speed connecton to LeSean McCoy and his low-speed connecton to Kelvin Benjamin.
2. You need some consistency,and the Cincinnatti Bengals are all over the place. You cant go losing to the Bear’s by 20 points one week and then barely losing to the Steelers the next . I would say there the most schizophrenic team in the NFL but Mutiple personalities seems like a stretch for Marvin Lewis. Lets start off with one personality then we’ll work our way up to two. With Dalton however I can see the split personalties, as a ginger sometimes your a nerd and sometimes your a spaz- kind’ve a chameleon.
3. I like how Ravens Steelers has become the GOOD sportsmanlike AFC north football rivalry because they havent had a game were there opponets actually tried to kill each other in 12 months. Its like how when Trump started saying Ted Cruz’s dad killed JFK people got nostalgic for the good days where politicians would just send out voicemails saying john mccain had an illigitimate child. Its disgusting how weve reached a point were there coaches come out on the field to try and get into a fight with players as oppose to just trying to stop them from returning a kickoff.
4. Are people forgetting about the Panthers? Its the question no ones asking, perhaps because they’ve forgotten about the Panthers. Carolinas my new dont look now team, and I really mean dont look now because Cam Newton is wearing even dumber hats than normal. He wore a fez to his postgame press confrence
5. BREAKING NEWS
What a great opportunty for Greg Schicago to get his career back on track after his negative 6 hour whirlwind tenure with the University of Tennessee. Greg Schiano is possbly the only man in America who can make Jon Fox look exotic so maybe thats what this is all about, just learning to love the guy your stuck with. Also eating lunch with a guy in a Bears shirt basicaly describes a very standard day for anyone who has ever set foot in Illinois there’s just as good shot this person was Chief Keef, Rahm Emmanuel, or the bass player from Wilco as there was he was a employee.
6. Peter King asked Philip Rivers was asked about his favorite possesson and his answer does not dissappoint:
I’d say my truck. My 2008 F-250. It’s got 75,000 miles and people say to me, ‘Why don’t get a new truck? Why don’t you drive a new car?’ I don’t know. That’s just me, I guess. I’ve got these old boots that I can’t get rid of. They’re just comfortable, so why get rid of ‘em? I guess that’s why I love my truck.
Philip Rivers saying he loves his truck because there like his boots which are like his truck so he loves it is like a sperm eating its own tail. Ironicaly the Ford F-250 exemplifys the same mentalty the Chargers have regarding Philip Rivers as there QB for the past 4 years. Hes just kind of there and feels familiar but has a high turnover risk
7. Very touching display of anti-bullying over the weekend as Keatons mom combatted her son getting made fun of at school by filming him crying and then posting in on the internet. Since its 2016 and everyone shoots themselfs in the foot faster then Rick Pitino, the internet slueths uncovered some latent racism contained in Mrs. Keatons social media accounts and promptly bullied her for being racist. Maybe its not a choice to be racist but your simply born that way and shoudnt be shamed. This is developing story but as it stands now, the internet is a “Hitler finds out that Keatons mom is racist” video away from imploding in on itself.
The answer to this problem is simple: more charter schools. If your kid is being bullied in schools why dont they simply apply for a better school with less bullies? Seems like lazy parenting. There are allways going to be bullies on earth as long as God keeps allowing Chevy to make camaros
8. Sad scarey news out of New York this morning as Richard Reids and JPPs dumber younger brother tried to set off a explosive in Midtown Manhattan but just ended up burning himself. I was just in that station yesterday- could of been me who had to rush to twitter to make a joke about New Yorkers not being inconvenced by a terrorist attack. Hopefuly New York will take steps to prevent this type of thing from happening again & allow all morning commuter’s to carry pipe bombs
9. How can he work with someone who takes over a corner like this? Just a absolute ridiculous amount of disrepsect for you professional environment when your teammate, and the big guy who your supposed to be closest with treats the work space as hi own private dumping ground for clothes, shoes, food and probably a scooter. I personaly could never live like this.
10.
The Miami Dolphins registered every player to vote and Im not so sure I want to mandate that Jay Cutler gets to make decisons affecting healthcare in the United States. For every good idea he has like not giving children vaccines , he has bad ideas like teaching are children that you cant play on a sprained MCL in a playoff game.
11. Not all heros wear capes:
Thanksfully, Roger Goodell got his contract taken care of last week- a brand new deal that will pay him potentionally over 200 million dollars, which if you think about it in the terms of “imagine the worse person in the world getting that money and at least its not going to them” its kind of a steal. ESPN had a interesting report about the behind the sccenes power broking going on with the NFL owners:
Jones spent the past few weeks trying to build support to delay or derail Goodell’s contract. But in the end, one of the most powerful men in American sports was only able to amass a group of approximately five owners to be on his side.
“The owners who supported [Jones] are not exactly influencers and arm-twisters,” one owner said. “They’re just happy that Jerry wanted to talk to them.”
My favorite relevation of 2017 is that the NFL owners are basicaly like a big high school with infighting and passive agressiveness and fake-friends, and cool-kids tables. Jerry Jones is a mean girl and his enemy is Arthur Blank forcing through the new contract even though every one opposes it, when in realty a much better time to try & make fetch happen would of been back when Michael Vick was on the team, folks.
Whats Shakin In Sports Biz???
Whats shakin in Sports Biz? Not that much accept for the fact that barstool invented pay per view. BUY BUY BUY right here for only $9.99 before the price jump’s up to 14.99 the day of the fight. Hank and Tex are squaring off at the hoedown throwdown in rural West Virginia, and they paid a special visit to the Maury Povich show to prove once in for all that Hank is Tex’s father: